Mercyful Fate Is Badass

 I was a teenager once upon a time. In fact, I started this blog when I was 18. My point here is that I dabbled with Satanism and the occult, and I was that edgy kid that used to walk around yelling "Hail Satan!" to scare and offend people. And admittedly I still think faux-satanism is fucking hilarious. So when I heard Mercyful Fate for the first time I immediately fell in love. I was more than in love. I went and downloaded the whole fucking album.

Yes, downloaded. I'm 22 and own about 270 albums and my last name isn't Gates. I did what I had to.

And then I went on a journey of exploring everything about King Diamond and Mercyful Fate. You see, for some reason I wasn't aware that there was a such thing a Satanic-themed music. So when I discovered Mercyful Fate, I legitimately started a Satanic music collection. I remember I would go onto music downloading sites and type in "Satan" or "Lucifer" under the metal section and just download everything en masse. And most of it was cringeworthy even by my seventeen-year-old edgelord standards. But there were definitely some bangers -

This shit isn't even metal and it has nothing to do with Lucifer. It's the album version of clickbait... 

But Mercyful Fate was legitimately metal, and legitimately about some pretty gnarly shit. When I found out that Metallica were inspired by them early on, it was a wrap I went and "bought" all of their records. I've talked about how fucking diverse Fate is but gotdamn, Mercyful Fate is diverse.

Their first record / demo is basically all straightforward proto-heavy-metal bangers about horror / sacrilegious / devil shit. Except "Devil Eyes." I mean, its' lyrically the same as everything else on the record but it's straight up disco-metal. I don't know if the King felt like one of the Bee Gees that day, but from the rapid drumming throughout to the more subdued riffing, "Devil Eyes" is just a straight up disco song.

It's the same case for "Gyspy" off of The Oath. If someone else was singing the song and the guitars were tuned up just a tad bit, it would be a damn pop song. And since I'm used to King's voice, I'd argue that it 100% is a damn pop song. The title track is a five-minute masterpiece about taking an oath to Satan that sounds every bit like the lyrics would imply. But this is a damn near power-metal / pop rock ballad about a gypsy woman. And it doesn't take away from the record or make it any worse. 

You see, I think tracks like "Devil Eyes" and "Gypsy", (especially the latter where King does that high-pitched "oh, no, no, no") completely make it so you can't take the Satanic shit seriously. And even if you do, you can't actually be afraid of it, if it's going to be this silly.  Cause this shit is over-the-top ridiculous. Which makes me completely understand why King decided to break off and make his own "more serious" music.

Well, it's definitely at least more high-concept if it isn't more serious...

(Editor's Note: Apparently, Hank Shermann wanted to make pop rock, which admittedly would've absolutely solidified Fate as household names. But some people (a.k.a. King) just aren't willing to go commercial. Imagine a world where King and crew blew up in the US, returned to form in the 90s, and proceeded to keep making banger-ass records. You know, like Metallica did?)

And by extension, it makes occult practice / satanism look silly as all hell. I think that's a bigger reason why King didn't want to be involved with Mercyful Fate later in his career and wanted to build a reputation as the scary occult crypt-keeper of metal. Cause his solo records are grim. Half of the time, they're so grim, they're not even fun to listen to. They just feel dreary and long-winded. But to my understanding King did actually practice some sort of occult magic and ritualistic bullshit. (I don't care what it's called, because I don't take it seriously. And that's King's fault.) Apparently "Welcome Princes of Hell" is about some shit that actually happened to King. That song is about him summoning demons and shit into his house and partying with them. It's badass shit if you take it at face value and it's almost the only example of Mercyful Fate making the occult sound cool and serious. But they spelled the name of the song wrong on the record, and "Welcome Princess of Hell" sounds like an atheist edgelord fanfic. 

It's almost like King was begging not to be taken seriously, while 

simultaneously demanding to be taken seriously...  

And honestly I played with grimoires and looked into summoning all of that shit. And to each his own, but it's not my cup of tea. It's not even something you can do while tripping balls, because it will have you paranoid that you summoned some ruler of the fifth ring of hell and he's going to put a financial curse on you. It sucks. But gotdamn this shit is hilarious. I used to think "Burn in Hell" was the most badass shit I'd ever heard. I would be tapping my foot along saying "Yeah, fuck Jesus, fuck them Christians!" But now as an old man, I'm tapping my foot along saying "Goddamn, Denner and  Shermann can riff like a motherfucker, but these lyrics are goofy as hell." You see I've actually listened to nuanced Satanic lyrics. I've seen folks slip subtle shit into lyrics and song titles. I've listened to other Satanists / Luciferians actually make metal music that isn't just "Fuck Jesus, hail Satan, I love Hell, woohoo!" 

This Candlemass ripoff is an okay example...

But take a song like "Doomed by the Living Dead." King has a unique ass voice, the riffing and the drumming is heavy as fuck, boy. And the switch-up to the chorus is something amazing. But then he shrieks "Say goodbye to all your holy angels." And he says that absolutely ridiculous shit with vigor and spite.

And you can't help but crack up because it's dead serious but it makes no sense. And I know I may be being too harsh on these guys since English isn't their first language. But it's not like they didn't have a producer / any English-speaker around them to tell them this sounded fucking silly. 

Then take "Nuns Have No Fun" which is also an amazing song. The opening of this song is so damn graphic, I'll leave you to go look it up. (It involves a certain holy figure being tortured and assaulted.) And then the bridge hits and you hear, "C.U.N.T., that's what you are!"  Firstly, these aren't even really song lyrics. This is something a vandal would spray-paint on a building or an upset child would scratch onto a church pew. Secondly, the song goes from violent torture and rape to an Australian cheerleading chant. And this is what we in the writing business call "mood whiplash." You're supposed to ramp things up, not scale them down. You can't help but laugh at how abruptly the lyrics switch up in intensity. And honestly when I think of it, there's no way this isn't intentional. They do it way too often. If the lyrics are too brutal then King starts saying silly shit. If the song sounds too intense then King shrieks something in broken English or there's a damn near Euro-pop-esque breakdown. In the few cases where they manage not to undermine their own intensity, either the next song is absolute shlock, or something immediately distracts from it. It feels like ritualistic magic how often this is the case.

And that's why I'll always come back to this band. 

Whether it be because you actually take this shit seriously and want to summon Bigbill the Colonel of Hell to get you fifteen girlfriends, or you just like offending people, or if you're a music fan, or if you need a good laugh, Mercyful Fate is goddamn enjoyable. 

And that's the difference between what makes Mercyful Fate timeless and King Diamond's solo material so boring. He takes himself far too seriously. His shit is too high-concept. It's about bitches getting stuck in paintings and grandmas getting trapped in voodoo dolls. Which in itself is silly when you take it out of context. But Mercyful Fate, this shit is just Satan, witchcraft, and defiling nuns, while Satan laughs along. And you laugh along as well.

That's all I had to say...

A Half-Assed Kenobi Review

I've already reviewed episodes I-IV of this show.

Firstly, yes that final fight between Vader and Obi-Wan was the most badass thing I've seen in a long time. It was almost worth sitting through the eight hours of boring nothingness that preceded it. 

Almost.

Before I even start, I'm going to admit that I barely finished the show. I skipped half of the fifth episode, and skimmed through the sixth one. The only reason I didn't publish my initial review is because EVERY OTHER REVIEWER on the internet said the same thing I did. But shit, this is my show, and I get to call the shots here.

Kenobi was fucking boring. It was so goddamn boring that I didn't even enjoy skewering it on the blog. Usually when I'm watching something bad, I'm already stockpiling everything I'm going to say in my review and I can't wait to finish it. This show bored me to absolute tears.  I could not force myself to sit through it. I could write a better show than this. It was nothing but fanservice with pointless filler in between. Yes, I liked seeing Hayden Christensen as Anakin. Yes, I loved every single time Darth Vader was onscreen. Yes, I laughed every time Obi-wan cracked a snarky one-liner. Yes, I gushed when I saw Liam fucking Neeson in the last episode. But, why did I have to sit through six hours of filler to see all of that?

For this, I admit it was worth it...

The problem with making Star Wars shows set in between the main saga, is that we already know what the fuck happens. So there's absolutely no tension. Obi-Wan is not going to die. Leia is never in any danger. If a new character shows up, he can't do anything too significant without some annoying retconning. And he HAS TO either die or be so insignificant that we never need to see him again. 

When Ice Cube is part of the story but everyone fails to mention it...

How the fuck did these people manage to make Star Wars of all things unexciting and tensionless? Even though The Phantom Menace is poorly written and has no plot, there's nonstop action, people die, and shit explodes. There's actual stakes. In Kenobi, they do the same thing over and over again and then jam all the characters into their starting positions for the original trilogy and all the side characters die / fade into obscurity. Because they have to. 

This is the equivalent of me one day telling you a badass story with a solid ending and then every day afterwards coming back and telling you little minute details that have no impact on the story whatsoever.  

Also, I see Disney is coming out with another Bore Wars show either this year or next year. I didn't watch the fucking trailer, I'm on a Disney sabbatical after having to die through Ms. Marvel. I've literally never heard of the character that's in it, nor have I even seen the lead actor. And normally I'd take that as a good sign, but it's been eleven years. 

I'm not stupid...

Episode I-II Review

Episode III-IV Review

I don't own any of these fucking pictures; don't sue me Disney

This Place is Dead and So Are My Dreams

 Welp. I'm fucking back after my umpteenth hiatus. I don't like doing this anymore. In fact, the pressure of trying to finish a single post is a feeling I've come to despise. I used to post here every fucking day and I loved it. But I guess back then I had a lot of ideas of the person I wanted to be and who I thought I could become. I had a silly dream of becoming a musician, and being some established writer. It's not a dead dream, and honestly I've done a lot more than most people. Hell, I created and recorded multiple different episodes of a podcast. I remixed and released a few songs. I kept up this place for a few years. Hell, people read this shit. 

But dammit, I'm old, now.

Me, but like twenty years younger...

Age and disappointment have gotten to me. There was a time not too long ago when I was making a concerted effort to promote everything I posted here. Around the same time I was also posting for leisure. But you know time, addiction, stress, and aging have pulled me away from caring enough to trudge through the writer's block that comes with years of a lack of motivation. How many times do I pour my heart out about a movie to no one? How many songs, and albums do I review to deaf ears? I feel like a loser even complaining about this. I always said if you have a bad time writing something then people are going to have a bad time reading it. And I genuinely hate writing this shit half the time. I couldn't push through that Kenobi review series because the show sucked balls and my review was boring. I quit reviewing The Boys because I didn't want to trudge through it. I honestly don't even know whether I'm making excuses or I'm just ranting. And honestly who the fuck wants to read that shit?

But I said all that shit to say this. 

Fuck this shit. No more review series, no more structured content, no more anything. I want to write whatever the fuck I want to write, how I want to write it. I don't want this place to turn into the ravings of a mad madman, but hell, no one is reading the shit in the first place, because I don't even post anything.

I think I'm just still mad about my fucking book launch failing...

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Episode III Review

Before I say anything else. This shot was genuinely one of the most badass things I've seen in any movie or TV show all year.  

I'm not a big fan of all the retconning this series is doing, but if just for that shot of Vader and him saying "Now, it's your turn to suffer.", it's worth it. That was some badass shit. Everything pertaining to Vader in this show so far has been good. I like that during the mirage scene in the desert, Obi-Wan hallucinates Anakin as he looked when he stormed the Jedi Temple with the 501st. He isn't a seven-foot cyborg. He's a grimacing sociopath and child-killer in Jedi robes. Which makes Obi-Wan's horrified reaction all the more scarier.  

But on to the review.

This episode was decent. The first half sort of felt like filler. Also, to be a Jedi, Obi-Wan isn't very stealthy or good at hiding. Why would you be walking around the desert in obvious jedi robes, when the entire Empire is looking for you. At least shave and wear a vest or something.

See? He looks like a completely different guy without the beard.

There's no way in hell that Star-Nosed Mole (yes, that's a real animal) didn't immediately recognize them and wasn't just playing along. Even the Stormtrooper who was interrogating Kenobi seemed two seconds away from asking him how dumb he thought they were. 

Nothing else really happened in this episode. The bootlicking Mole gets taken hostage by Kenobi. A stormtrooper attempts to take Leia hostage (As if Leia is going to die. Wow, such tension.) and he wouldn't fucking miss the shit anyway. )The Inquisitors bicker like a bunch of stepchildren. And oh my god, the Inquistors. 

I did my research between these reviews, and apparently both the Grand Inquisitor and the Sombrero Inquistor show up later down the line in Rebels. Guess who doesn't? That's right. No one's favorite character, the Third Sister.

This character is annoying as hell to watch and I can't wait till Vader chokes her or she gets cut down.  Say what you will about the actress (except racist stuff, cause she'll complain to TMZ about you) but she does a damn good job of making you not like her.

Obi-Wan Kenobi Episodes I and II Review

So I just finished watching the first two episodes of the new Obi-Wan Kenobi show. And so far, so good. I'm going to break it down episode by episode, tackling what I liked so far, and didn't like, and then I guess I'll talk about where I hope the show goes.

Episode I

The show kick offs with a brief recap of the prequels. And I don't know if it's because I'm fresh off a bing of Mr. Plinkett's review of the movies, or because I'm just burnt out of Star Wars in general, but I didn't like it. I know that it was absolutely necessary to include that little bit of background for more casual fans who may not be familiar with that part of Star Wars, but I feel like it took away from the story. It makes it feel less like a standalone story and more of a sequel. And although I really liked the prologue scene in the Jedi Temple, it just ends abruptly. It feels a little off. I understand that we're setting up the premise that the Jedi are being hunted down and are extinct, but you just kicked off the show with two minutes of stuff unrelated to the main story. One of those scenes wasn't needed and you could've picked one. 

Things don't feel right. I skipped a lot of the Disney Star Wars stuff, including Rebels and The Book of Boba Fett. So to me, this doesn't really look or feel like Tatooine. Hell, I don't remember a single shot of those iconic twin suns. And the way that Inquisitor ship jets over the desert and these black-suited Sith-wannabes pile out with lightsabers and capes just looks so out of place. This looks like a Star Wars fan film. I'm not shitting on anything, there's some dissonance. A lot of the aliens look either new or different. Tatooine just doesn't feel like Tatooine.

But, Obi-wan is still fucking Obi-Wan. It's almost like there's been one guy who's always writing Obi-Wan's witty one-liners because they never ever miss. This doesn't really shine so much in the first episode so much as the next. 

And I didn't know that Princess Leia was gonna be in this show, but boy, is she in this show. The actress they have playing young Leia perfectly captures that snarky, headstrong energy that Carrie Fisher always exuded. 

Towards the end of this episode, the pace really picks up. Obi-Wan is faced with a really difficult choice. Staying in hiding on Tatooine so he can watch over Luke, or leaving the planet to go rescue Leia, risking exposing himself and both of the kids in the process. And of course he picks the latter, and we see him dig up his old lightsaber, and put on his old robes. And it's a feel-good moment in what's so-far been a somber, melancholic viewing.

Episode I was kind of slow, but it wasn't bad. A little too many flashbacks to the Prequels. 

Also, Flea is in this! And anything with Flea in it gets ten bonus points on my rating scale.

Episode II

This episode was miles ahead of the first in my opinion. The first episode ends on a cliffhanger, where Obi-Wan is pulled back into his old adventuring and wisecracking ways. And he hops right back into it. I meant it when I said Obi-Wan's one-liners are always on point. This episode really showcases that. We see some power struggles between the inquisitors (who I still don't really like, but they're here so whatever). There's also a John Wick ripoff sequence where a price is put on Obi's head and every bounty hunter in the city starts attacking him and Leia. It was definitely a fun watch. But I dislike the same things about this episode, as I dislike about the first episode. Since this is a prequel, the new elements seem blatantly out of place, and the older elements either don't seem the same or they're not focused on enough. Which is what happens when you erase decades worth of established lore, but it what is.

Also, Flea gets killed in this episode, and I won't stand for this kind of disrespect of one of the greatest bassists of all time. So I'm knocking like 1000 points off. 

Things I Hope to See

I really hope that the shitty Inquisitor's (you know the one I'm talking about) "tragic" backstory with Obi-Wan gets revealed at the beginning of the next episode. I'm sure we all picked up on her saying that Obi-Wan owes her something, and then later on Obi tells Leia that some of the Inquisitors are former Jedi. Chekhov's gun. (Or Lightsaber in this case.) I'm getting tired of shows that write these lazy-ass tragic villains. They're not fun to watch, and the writers think they're clever by hinting that there's a reason she's soo ruthless. But yes we picked up on the hints, and no, we don't fucking care. Just let the asshole character be an asshole for once. Take The Mandalorian for example. Grand Moff Gideon was a slimeball, and we didn't need to know why or how he got that way. Because it doesn't matter. And it doesn't help that I'm also pretty sure I can probably guess what her backstory is. She's probably one of the padawans that ran away during that stinger from the first episode. Maybe in one of the later episodes, we'll see that she was a padawan and that Anakin cut down her Master in front of her, so she blames Obi-Wan. Maybe she's Mace Windu's daughter. My point here is that, even if that is the case, we don't care. The character fucking sucks so far. Also, one of the major plot threads of the prequels (and Star Wars in general) is that just because you've had a bad life, it doesn't justify you being a bad person and doing bad things. So engaging in this kind of ass-backwards character-building is just tone-deaf. But I hope I'm wrong.

Also, she's thick as hell, so I'll cut her some slack.

I kind of want to see some different kinds of planets and settings. The Mandalorian did a pretty good job of making sure we saw a diverse range of backgrounds and settings across te episodes. Things that took place on Tatooine were in parts in the planet we'd never seen onscreen before. Episodes that took place on ships made sure that the everything was laid out distinctively from any other ships we'd seen before. All of the settings had character. I'd love to see more of that. 

Also, I'm liking the trend of seeing species and robots that were previously only seen as subservient or unintelligent taking more solid roles. Despite, all the years of lore they erased, there's been some really amazing world-building going on in the Star Wars universe under Disney. At least onscreen.

And I can't wait to see Qui-Gonn. The worse thing this world ever did was cancel Liam Neeson. I don't give a damn what anyone says, he was the biggest action stat of the 2000s hands down, and he's a cinematic legend. But I'll save the Liam Neeson ravings for the episode he shows up in.

Speed Reviewing the Shows I Didn't Review

Yeah, so you may have noticed that I diligently reviewed the first two Disney+ Marvel shows, as soon as their last episodes dropped. But anything post last summer didn't get a review. This is where I tie up those loose ends.

I thought this series was going to be a miss. I watched the first episode and HATED it. The animation was wonky, and the voice acting from a few of the celebrities was so bad that it took me out of the show. So I wound up turning it off and skipping the second episode.

Boy, I couldn't have been more wrong.

I came back in on the third episode and I've got to say, in the opinion, of a lifelong comic-book fan, who's been following the MCU since it kicked off. This series felt like a love-letter / tribute to the fans.

Hearing and seeing Michael Douglas in the Yellowjacket costume was amazing. Even in the MCU, Hank Pym going batshit crazy makes sense. Pym has made reference to the fact that continued use of his particles warps your personality, so him losing his mind has already been set up. And it brings things full-circle, because Hank Pym / Yellowjacket in the comics is a notoriously mentally unstable man, living in the shadow of his days as Ant-Man.

I thought this show was going to be some MCU-themed cartoon with a star-studded cast until the third episode. That third episode made me realize that they were indeed interested in going to those strange, and dark places the comic used to go to.  

And you know, I've got to rant about the comic. My favorite issue of the comic will always be when the Nova Force (think Marvel's version of a Green Lantern Ring) starts picking unworthy  people to bestow itself on. And it eventually winds up picking a cigar-smoking bank robber, who uses his new cosmic powers to (obviously) rob a bank and to (not so obviously) kill every single superhero on earth. And of course Doom, Red Skull and a bunch of other villains get pissy about this so he kills them, too. The Nova Force (again, think of it as a Green Lantern ring) absolutely, always, inexplicably picks a worthy guy. So this story where it doesn't and everything goes to hell, is a treat. All of the superheroes on earth get killed because of one tiny, little change. This story essentially asks ,"What if an actual bad person got super powers?" And it really highlights how narrowly focused most Marvel stories are, and how the characters aren't too bad even when they're supposed to be. It really flips all the narrative tropes on their head. Those are my favorite kinds of What If? stories.

The Doctor Strange episode made the show seem like an MCU centered Twilight Zone. The Zombies episode was absolute perfection. That perfect blend of worldbuilding and homage. Never in a million years did I think I'd see this image -

get recreated onscreen. We'd always thought of the Zombies as something that would be lost in the aether of things that comics fans know about, but that Disney wouldn't dare touch. Things like the Hulk eating and murdering people, or Wolverine's gay son. But no, this show completely defied our expectations -

Also given that Thanos' pervert brother was apparently in the Eternals, maybe this is the edgy age of the MCU. 

For context, that blue chick is Nebula ... his niece...

But seriously, every single episode of this show (except maybe the first two episodes) is worth watching. Most of the onscreen cast voice their characters (even Jeff Goldblum) and it helps the show to do a decent job of making you believe that these are the same characters we see on the big screen. 

Also we got to see a proper Age of Ultron. All of the nerd rage over how small-scaled the movie was compared to that badass comic arc was extinguished. They really did it justice. 

 

This show has Erik Kilmonger outsmarting and killing Tony Stark, which I don't think would happen in a million years. Even if Tony never got humbled by being kidnapped. This Kilmonger character is a fan favorite, because little kids and women think he's hot/cool. But Black Panther was a mediocore movie and he was a 2-D cliched villain. He sucks but he makes a lot of money on merchandising. 

Sometimes the character models for the character look absolutely nothing like who they're supposed to. And in some cases they look so generic it's hard to tell who they are even supposed to be upon first glance. 

Nonetheless, this show was amazing and I looked forward to watching it every week. 

Wow, this was a fundamental exercise in how not to make a show. I watched every single episode of this show and I only vaguely remember what happens in it. There's just so much going on that you can't focus on any one plot thread.  

Will Hawkeye make it home for Christmas? Who does Kate's mom work for? Is Armand actually hiding something? What is it? Who is Echo's uncle/boss at the head of everything? Why is Hawkeye's wife so obsessed with the watch?

That's how many threads are going on by the fourth episode.  And they add more with each episode. Which makes this show a damn chore to watch. The fast-paced action and banter between Clint and Kate are addictively fun to watch. But all of that is intercut with slow-paced "secretive" and "mysterious" scenes of characters talking to unseen people, or acting unrealistically suspicious. There doesn't always have to be a big reveal, dammit. Just show us shit like a normal show. The pacing of this show isn't bad, but it just feels off.  

Also, Kingpin did absolutely nothing here. He was clearly only put in this show to sync up with No Way Home's Charlie Cox Daredevil reveal. I don't at all think it's a coincidence that they perfectly timed the reveal of Vincent D'onofrio's Kingpin in this show, with the release of Spider-Man: No Way Home. The big question that had been on everyone's minds since the Netflix shows were canceled, was whether any of it would be considered canon. And the answer was "Yes, we paid those actors/showrunners millions of dollars, we'll be damned if they try to jump ship." 

This show tries to adapt Matt Fraction's Hawkeye series (and steals its art style), and it cannot be understated how misguided that is. Hawkeye in the comics is completely different from the government agent with a bow and arrow that Jeremy Renner plays in the movies. Hawkeye in the comics is so badass that he went directly from a carnival to a life of crime to the Avengers. And then he eventually even led his own team of Avengers, WITH JUST A BOW AND ARROW. 

Comics Hawkeye would be like if this dude became an uncatchable international thief, then turned his life around and became a world-famous Navy SEAL. But just using his darts, the whole time. 

Comics Hawkeye is barely even the same character...

Speaking as a guy whose favorite DVD as a toddler was the first Raimi Spider-Man, as a guy who remembers going to the movies back in 2004 to see Spider-Man 2, as a guy who had at least two Spider-Man 3 playsets, as a kid who saved up all his money to buy the Amazing Spider-Man 2, and was disappointed and angry. This was the best Spider-Man movie ever. Every single character is done justice and each scene is perfect. This is an onscreen love letter to Spider-Man in cinema. I won't spoil anything here. Watch this one.

Anyways, I'm definitely looking forward to seeing why the hell Captain Picard is in the Doctor Strange trailer...

© 2020's Marvel Studios

The Batman (2022) Review

 So last night I went to go see Matt Reeves' The Batman. 

And it was worth every penny I paid for the ticket. This is a different kind of Batman movie. You want to come into this movie pretending like you have no prior knowledge of Batman or any of his rogues gallery. Because this is a very unique interpretation.

The Characters

Firstly, Robert Pattinson does an amazing job as Bruce Wayne/Batman. This movie is set in the second year of Batman's career, so he isn't really the grizzled Caped Crusader, yet. No one trusts him, and criminals mock him instead of running away. Bruce Wayne is just a character he plays to gain leverage against criminals. Most of the time we see Bruce Wayne, he still has his eye makeup on and is covered in sweat and dirt. And despite the fact that no one is really scared of him yet, this movie does a great job of painting Batman as a slasher villain to criminals. He has his own musical queue, he walks slowly, and you can hear every press of his boot against the ground. And no one can beat him hand-to-hand. At this point in his career, Batman is more of an obsessive rich guy running around in a suit beating up criminals. 

Alfred is far more of a father figure to Bruce than we've ever seen him onscreen. Even moreso than Michael Caine in The Dark Knight trilogy. He doesn't really believe in all of this Batman stuff, yet, and he's reluctant to help Bruce out.

Selina Kyle (who's never referred to as Catwoman) is also there for most of the movie. She's a perfect character - except when both her and Batman are onscreen. The romance between them feels really forced, however the movie leaves it ambiguous whether she actually likes him, or if she's just playing him to get what she wants.

But the best character in this movie by far, is the Riddler. 

Matt Reeves was the perfect director for this movie. This interpretation of the Riddler is more of a hodgepodge of a couple real-life American serial killers and criminals. He stalks people and breaks into their houses like the Golden-State Killer. But he's also an insanely intelligent, yet disturbed outcast who's deeply obsessed with ciphers, bombs, and riddles. Like the Unabomber. And then he hosts insane livestreams, and has his own radicalized online fanbase like more modern killers. Make no mistake, he's still terrifying and unpredictable. Whenever he's physically onscreen, he hides in the shadows, and is brutally violent. And Batman doesn't even catch him. He gets caught on purpose and stays in Arkham for the rest of the movie. This is probably the most grounded and realistic interpretation of the character. He's a mixture of some of the most insane and unbelievable real-life criminals, and those twisted fucks you meet on an online chatroom at 3AM.  Once he's unmasked, he starts making these insane facial expressions and repeatedly screams like he's autistic. And at first, its hard not to laugh at the absurdity, until you realize that its not supposed to be funny. The movie is just conveying that this guy has more than a few screws missing.

Picture this face, but more goofy looking...

The story is also pretty solid. It's early in Batman's career and there's a crazy guy in a mask terrorizing the city. This movie really knows how to keep you on the edge of your seat. It leaves a lot of things ambiguous, and is really good at pulling the rug out from under you. The opening scene of this movie is a first-person view of some binoculars spying on someone in a big house. Clearly this movie is getting right into the action, with Batman hot on the heels of an obvious criminal. Then the guy gazes up at the skylight, and you slowly start to realize that this isn't Batman. 

At one point, you think that the Riddler has just brutally killed some random rich guy, but the next scene reveals that it was THE MAYOR of the city. There's a scene where Selina comes across a heavy-hitting criminal and he treats her like an old flame. And you obviously would conclude that she's probably seducing him. But then it turns out to be something completely different. Sometimes the movie fakes you out for what seems like no narrative reason. This movie is a thrill ride, and feels far closer to Seven or Zodiac, than any other Batman movie. Which is strange, because David Fincher has nothing to do with this movie.

My favorite thing this movie does is not treat the audience like they're stupid. This is probably the first on-screen movie that even features Batman, that doesn't show us the murder of Thomas and Martha Wayne. The movie assumes that you've seen a Batman movie before, and don't need to know where he came from. Also, the aspects of the story that are grounded in realism (no one saying "Catwoman", and people thinking Batman is just a crazy LARPer) make the fantastical parts (Riddler screaming like a madman, the Batmobile) stick out far more than they would in a regular comic-book movie.

Also this movie ends with the first (unless you count The Dark Knight Rises) on-screen adaptation of No Man's Land. 

Everyone's least favorite Batman story...

Flooding the city and causing rampant death and chaos is the Riddler's ultimate goal. And he succeeds. From behind bars. This Riddler is a perfect representation of a Batman villain in a realistic setting. He's obsessive and insanely intelligent to a point where he's interesting. But he's also strange and violent enough to be revolting. You wouldn't want to come across this guy. 

Final Verdict

GO SEE THIS MOVIE. 7 out of 10.