Black Widow Was Meh

Disclaimer: I watched this movie the day it was released and was so underwhelmed that I refused to review it. Obviously I changed my mind.

 

Black Widow was basically mandatory viewing since I've watched everything MCU except the Netflix shows and Agents of Shield. And that's exactly what it felt like. It wasn't bad. But it wasn't good. It was just another average MCU movie. And I'm not a 12-year old boy anymore, so they can't just put Scarlett Johansson in spandex on-screen and make me immediately fall in love. 

 

I'll start by admitting that David Harbour as Red Guardian was hilarious and surprisingly relatable. He easily carried this entire film. But that's the extent of good things I have to say about this movie. My biggest complaint is to be a Black Widow movie, this film seriously lacks balls. There were moments in this movie where it feels like its going to take a mean-spirited turn, but everything just goes back to hunky-dory, cheesy superhero times. I legit thought Rachel Weisz was about to blow herself up at the end, but at the last moment she grapples out of danger like she's Batman. In fact every side character in this movie has a scene where it seems they logically and realistically should die. And this is the one Marvel movie that has some impressively fleshed out side characters that it would actually hurt to see die. And all three of them make it out of the movie unscathed. And it makes the film lack any kind of emotional impact. And it's sad because all the movie had to do to raise the stakes was kill off Yelena, Rachel Weisz, and David Harbour. It would actually add some emotional context as to why Natasha was so desperate to find Clint in Endgame.

 

This movie takes place during the second half of Civil War, which means that no one's favorite secondary antagonist Thunderbolt Ross shows up throughout the film. And I'm no continuity stickler but William Hurt looks drastically different for this movie to supposed to be lining up that one.

 

Apparently he needed to dye his hair and shave before arresting Natasha.

 

 But I will give the movie this. He actually feels like a genuine threat for the first time since The Incredible Hulk. 

 

Just gonna leave that there.

 

But all in all, this movie is underwhelming. It should've been released years ago. Or maybe not all, since in the larger scale of the MCU, absolutely nothing significant happens. (I guess they do kind of set up Hawkeye. Which I completely forgot was even coming out.) They show us Budapest. And I speak for everyone when I say we'd much rather had watched a movie about that than this one. The way Natasha talks about her past in the early MCU movies makes it seem like her origin would be some bloody, heartless shit. She talks like she was some cold-hearted evil person that begrudgingly became a hero. And in this movie, the worse she does is accidentally explode a kid. Reluctantly. Captain America and his Howling Commandos probably did worse shit than that on the regular.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, because I'd been trying to erase it out of my mind. They fucked up Taskmaster. Now, I'm pretty sure the character will probably make a proper appearance whenever Deadpool actually shows up.  But this movie makes Taskmaster an android instead of a guy with "photographic reflexes." Which is stupid and not threatening at all when you think about it.  Because literally any robot should be able to do that. And for some dumbass reason, they kept Taskmaster's signature hood. It couldn't look more ridiculous for this robot in a motorcycle helmet to be walking around in a goddamn hoodie. What is the purpose of it? You're in a motorcycle helmet already, what the fuck? It's like the filmmakers said "Were gonna make this character 100% different, but make sure to keep the hood so the nerds don't get mad!"

 

 Pictured: Faithful Adaptation.

If anything this movie is a reminder that in the post-Endgame MCU, if you want to enjoy yourself, you have to lower your expectations. Which unfortunately means that yes, we should probably not be banking on Multiverse of Madness, or No Way Home being anything spectacular.