Quo Vadis' Dead Man's Diary is Unintentionally Hilarious

Dude, melodic death metal will always have a special place in my heart. Especially melodic death metal that tells a story. So Quo Vadis' Dead Man's Diary has been one of my favorite songs since I first heard it. I love everything about it. I like that there's musical interludes for the feeling or apparition or rage that the protagonist feels whenever he touches the diary. I like the piano in that final interlude. I like the way everything is mixed, from the drum fills to the bass. This song is just musical perfection. Except for one thing.

The fucking lyrics.

Don't get me wrong, they're almost perfect too. They're atmospheric. The spoken whispering in the beginning perfectly incapsulates that feeling of a waking nightmare. Which is the point of the song. It's the tale of a curious man exploring a room and picking up an ancient book hoping that it holds forbidden knowledge. But all the while he knows that he feels something deeply wrong about it. It feels like the very book and the very room itself is threatening him to leave or something fucking terrible is going to happen. A nasty stench is filling the room. But of course the protagonist carries on an picks up the book. 

It's a black and white photo book / diary that contains a murder confession. And all the while the protagonist feels like the room, the wind, the very environment is threatening to murder him. But he keeps reading on. And then the fucking pages start flipping by themselves. 

I feel like this is the point where most of us would've went "Oh, shit this isn't my house.", and fake stumbled back out the door.

And then something begins to ink the last page of the diary with the current date, the protagonist's name and his cause of death. And instead of high-tailing it out of there, the guy closes his eyes in terror, looks up and sees a ghost.  And the ghost shoots him. Or at least that's the last thing he threatens to do before the song ends. You see the song leaves a lot of shit (which shouldn't be) open to interpretation. Apparently the ghost has the same face as the protagonist. The ghost, or apparition also repeatedly threatens to crucify and burn the protagonist alive. But not in this last stanza. In this last stanza, the not so disembodied voice says that he's going to "ram a bullet through his head." Hold on for a second here. The ghost went from threats of boiling him alive and nailing him to a piece of wood to just straight up shooting him. Can ghosts even do that? What? And it really, really does not help that this is the second to last line of the song, and the only thing that the ghost (or rage, or feeling) says differently when he actually appears. 

I'll help you to visualize this. The first threat is this -I'll hunt you down and punish your life, I'll nail you to the beams of red, I'll watch you bleed and beg for mercy. I'll savor the moment when our eyes will meet."

I couldn't even find an image that wasn't too X-Rated to post here...

The second threat is this - I'll hunt you down and punish your life, I'll nail you to the beams of red,

I'll burn your flesh, you will be covered with sores, I'll feel your pain as you scream for mercy.

And the last threat (and the last stanza of the song, I might add) is this -I'll hunt you down and punish your life, I'll nail you to the beams of red, I'll ram a bullet right through your head, I'll put an end to the misery.

Which y'know kinda implies that this ghost just appeared and headshotted this motherfucker. 

Wait a second. Just wait. 

Is this song about a man shooting himself because he felt guilty about murders he's committed? And the diary is his own diary and he's reading his own words? Does the presence share his face, because there is no apparition, and the threat is himself? Or is it sincerely about an unassuming man being killed by an evil spirit that inscribes his name in a diary? Is the horror in the fact that the song leaves it ambiguous? 

It's almost certainly the former upon going back and listening. This song isn't funny at all. This is fucking genius. 

But a short aside here. These guys are a perfect example that if you have a favorite band or group, you need to go see or hit up them fuckers while you can. No matter how good you are, the music industry can swallow you whole and spit you out. No one has heard from any of these fuckers since 2013. All you Deathcore fans, go see your boys, go to signings, and go to meet-and-greets and AMA's. In my research I've seen so many examples of uber-talented musicians just straight-up fucking disappearing after their careers fell apart. And this industry will leave you jaded as fuck,  not wanting to ever pick up your instrument again. I've barely written since I got into that publishing dispute last year. It took something out of me. I'm just a kid with a blog in the middle of nowhere. I can't fight any company. It's disheartening. So show your favorite musicians love and support on principle. If you ever cross over, the business side of this shit is not fun at fucking all, and is the biggest reason you see people with immense talent go back to working at Wal-Mart. I did a week of suit and tie shit and I'm done with them until I have enough money and time to get a lawyer.  

Never have I ever before found the true meaning of something because I was making fun of it. Maybe I should do this shit more often. I'mma start shitting on quantum mechanics so I can understand that shit more...

Do you idiots actually think that the next step in computing is applying abstract concepts of physics and science that most people don't even understand? You really think an open air system would be able to respond to stimuli being - It's actually fucking working, uh-oh.

   

Obviously this post is a bust, but I think I've just proved what a bunch of folks have already said over and over again. Humor is just the truth told in a quicker way...

The Proper Way To Do A Shared Universe

Yes, I Did Do Occult Shit

I mentioned in that Mercyful Fate post that I (largely inspired by King Diamond) dabbled with occult and Satanic nonsense. I do feel the need to specify that I was of the Luciferian breed of Satanism (which is just spectacled, flashy Atheism). I didn't believe in any hoodoo-voodoo nonsense or anything that couldn't be explained or wouldn't be able to be explained eventually. But through wanting to understand things deeper and deep meditation I found that there seems to be something, beyond. Something that you can indeed interact with if you follow the steps that the old priests, and houngans did. And it fucking works. Of course I always questioned whether I was just being paranoid or whether I was just being silly, but when other people claimed to feel an unexplainable feeling that I also felt. It confirmed my suspicions that I was doing something strange. And I didn't like it. There's nothing that will put the fear of god in you, like finding out that you are deeply, deeply wrong about everything and that there is possibly something out there beyond your understanding. Something beyond the explanation of science, or Catholicism. And then when that horror gets correlated by pretty reasonable folk, it makes you feel even more - terrified. 

You see, I'll never claim to know what the hell goes on beyond what I understand. But I do know what I've felt and experienced. And the horror comes from the lack of understanding. And I do subscribe to Nietzsche's old adage that the longer you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you. And I've never, ever wanted to be more familiar with the nature of what I felt. I am but a man. Why would I desire to be in séance with some otherworldly force, or some power that I don't understand and cannot even accurately communicate with. I'm not Aleister Crowley, nor do I look up to him. I've never looked at any occult scholar or practitioner and said "I'd like to be like that guy." In fact the Crowleys and Rasputins, and others are representative of something I want to be furthest away from. They're pariahs of social unconformity and anarchic lawlessness. If what they understood or studied came to make them the way that they were, then I want nothing to do with. And I strongly advise anyone who doesn't want to end up that way to stray away from any occult study, or ritual, or practice as well. You can free your mind in other ways. You can gain understanding by studying some other kind of knowledge. 

A lot of people tell me that this sounds like a bunch of hokey-pokey nonsense, when I tell them about this. If it sounds like nonsense to you, I invite you to go and seek out the knowledge, seek out that practice. But don't do it in any place you'd like to remain in for a long time. 

The UFC 278 Main Event Was Astonishing

 

This isn't an MMA blog by any stretch of the imagination, but goddamn, where else do I gush about what I saw last night?

I never thought this would end like this. I'd never root for an Englishman, it just ain't in my nature. It doesn't matter that Kamaru Usman is one of the most cringeworthy athletes I can think of. He's one of my countrymen, and he's the reigning champion so I'm going to be in his corner. And I was rooting for him the whole fight. It also doesn't help that Edwards cheated a few times. It doesn't help that Edwards hasn't fought Colby, or Masvidal, or Burns. Come on, we all knew that Usman was going to steamroll through this guy like he's been doing with everyone for the past two years. 

Man, I was so damn confident that Usman had just won the decision over this fool that I took to Twitter and started sounding off during the last round -

With the repeated cheating, cocky attitude, and the fact that he hasn't fought Colby or Jorge, I'm happy and unsurprised to see Edwards lose.

— The Wolf (@JoeNagarams) August 21, 2022

 

And then I looked up and immediately saw this - 

You never know what to expect from this sport. Me and this guy on Discord immediately started going back and forth about whether Khamzat will be the first to fight Leon, but honestly I think last night just proved, you never, ever know what to expect from MMA.

Mercyful Fate Is Badass

 I was a teenager once upon a time. In fact, I started this blog when I was 18. My point here is that I dabbled with Satanism and the occult, and I was that edgy kid that used to walk around yelling "Hail Satan!" to scare and offend people. And admittedly I still think faux-satanism is fucking hilarious. So when I heard Mercyful Fate for the first time I immediately fell in love. I was more than in love. I went and downloaded the whole fucking album.

Yes, downloaded. I'm 22 and own about 270 albums and my last name isn't Gates. I did what I had to.

And then I went on a journey of exploring everything about King Diamond and Mercyful Fate. You see, for some reason I wasn't aware that there was a such thing a Satanic-themed music. So when I discovered Mercyful Fate, I legitimately started a Satanic music collection. I remember I would go onto music downloading sites and type in "Satan" or "Lucifer" under the metal section and just download everything en masse. And most of it was cringeworthy even by my seventeen-year-old edgelord standards. But there were definitely some bangers -

This shit isn't even metal and it has nothing to do with Lucifer. It's the album version of clickbait... 

But Mercyful Fate was legitimately metal, and legitimately about some pretty gnarly shit. When I found out that Metallica were inspired by them early on, it was a wrap I went and "bought" all of their records. I've talked about how fucking diverse Fate is but gotdamn, Mercyful Fate is diverse.

Their first record / demo is basically all straightforward proto-heavy-metal bangers about horror / sacrilegious / devil shit. Except "Devil Eyes." I mean, its' lyrically the same as everything else on the record but it's straight up disco-metal. I don't know if the King felt like one of the Bee Gees that day, but from the rapid drumming throughout to the more subdued riffing, "Devil Eyes" is just a straight up disco song.

It's the same case for "Gyspy" off of The Oath. If someone else was singing the song and the guitars were tuned up just a tad bit, it would be a damn pop song. And since I'm used to King's voice, I'd argue that it 100% is a damn pop song. The title track is a five-minute masterpiece about taking an oath to Satan that sounds every bit like the lyrics would imply. But this is a damn near power-metal / pop rock ballad about a gypsy woman. And it doesn't take away from the record or make it any worse. 

You see, I think tracks like "Devil Eyes" and "Gypsy", (especially the latter where King does that high-pitched "oh, no, no, no") completely make it so you can't take the Satanic shit seriously. And even if you do, you can't actually be afraid of it, if it's going to be this silly.  Cause this shit is over-the-top ridiculous. Which makes me completely understand why King decided to break off and make his own "more serious" music.

Well, it's definitely at least more high-concept if it isn't more serious...

(Editor's Note: Apparently, Hank Shermann wanted to make pop rock, which admittedly would've absolutely solidified Fate as household names. But some people (a.k.a. King) just aren't willing to go commercial. Imagine a world where King and crew blew up in the US, returned to form in the 90s, and proceeded to keep making banger-ass records. You know, like Metallica did?)

And by extension, it makes occult practice / satanism look silly as all hell. I think that's a bigger reason why King didn't want to be involved with Mercyful Fate later in his career and wanted to build a reputation as the scary occult crypt-keeper of metal. Cause his solo records are grim. Half of the time, they're so grim, they're not even fun to listen to. They just feel dreary and long-winded. But to my understanding King did actually practice some sort of occult magic and ritualistic bullshit. (I don't care what it's called, because I don't take it seriously. And that's King's fault.) Apparently "Welcome Princes of Hell" is about some shit that actually happened to King. That song is about him summoning demons and shit into his house and partying with them. It's badass shit if you take it at face value and it's almost the only example of Mercyful Fate making the occult sound cool and serious. But they spelled the name of the song wrong on the record, and "Welcome Princess of Hell" sounds like an atheist edgelord fanfic. 

It's almost like King was begging not to be taken seriously, while 

simultaneously demanding to be taken seriously...  

And honestly I played with grimoires and looked into summoning all of that shit. And to each his own, but it's not my cup of tea. It's not even something you can do while tripping balls, because it will have you paranoid that you summoned some ruler of the fifth ring of hell and he's going to put a financial curse on you. It sucks. But gotdamn this shit is hilarious. I used to think "Burn in Hell" was the most badass shit I'd ever heard. I would be tapping my foot along saying "Yeah, fuck Jesus, fuck them Christians!" But now as an old man, I'm tapping my foot along saying "Goddamn, Denner and  Shermann can riff like a motherfucker, but these lyrics are goofy as hell." You see I've actually listened to nuanced Satanic lyrics. I've seen folks slip subtle shit into lyrics and song titles. I've listened to other Satanists / Luciferians actually make metal music that isn't just "Fuck Jesus, hail Satan, I love Hell, woohoo!" 

This Candlemass ripoff is an okay example...

But take a song like "Doomed by the Living Dead." King has a unique ass voice, the riffing and the drumming is heavy as fuck, boy. And the switch-up to the chorus is something amazing. But then he shrieks "Say goodbye to all your holy angels." And he says that absolutely ridiculous shit with vigor and spite.

And you can't help but crack up because it's dead serious but it makes no sense. And I know I may be being too harsh on these guys since English isn't their first language. But it's not like they didn't have a producer / any English-speaker around them to tell them this sounded fucking silly. 

Then take "Nuns Have No Fun" which is also an amazing song. The opening of this song is so damn graphic, I'll leave you to go look it up. (It involves a certain holy figure being tortured and assaulted.) And then the bridge hits and you hear, "C.U.N.T., that's what you are!"  Firstly, these aren't even really song lyrics. This is something a vandal would spray-paint on a building or an upset child would scratch onto a church pew. Secondly, the song goes from violent torture and rape to an Australian cheerleading chant. And this is what we in the writing business call "mood whiplash." You're supposed to ramp things up, not scale them down. You can't help but laugh at how abruptly the lyrics switch up in intensity. And honestly when I think of it, there's no way this isn't intentional. They do it way too often. If the lyrics are too brutal then King starts saying silly shit. If the song sounds too intense then King shrieks something in broken English or there's a damn near Euro-pop-esque breakdown. In the few cases where they manage not to undermine their own intensity, either the next song is absolute shlock, or something immediately distracts from it. It feels like ritualistic magic how often this is the case.

And that's why I'll always come back to this band. 

Whether it be because you actually take this shit seriously and want to summon Bigbill the Colonel of Hell to get you fifteen girlfriends, or you just like offending people, or if you're a music fan, or if you need a good laugh, Mercyful Fate is goddamn enjoyable. 

And that's the difference between what makes Mercyful Fate timeless and King Diamond's solo material so boring. He takes himself far too seriously. His shit is too high-concept. It's about bitches getting stuck in paintings and grandmas getting trapped in voodoo dolls. Which in itself is silly when you take it out of context. But Mercyful Fate, this shit is just Satan, witchcraft, and defiling nuns, while Satan laughs along. And you laugh along as well.

That's all I had to say...

A Half-Assed Kenobi Review

I've already reviewed episodes I-IV of this show.

Firstly, yes that final fight between Vader and Obi-Wan was the most badass thing I've seen in a long time. It was almost worth sitting through the eight hours of boring nothingness that preceded it. 

Almost.

Before I even start, I'm going to admit that I barely finished the show. I skipped half of the fifth episode, and skimmed through the sixth one. The only reason I didn't publish my initial review is because EVERY OTHER REVIEWER on the internet said the same thing I did. But shit, this is my show, and I get to call the shots here.

Kenobi was fucking boring. It was so goddamn boring that I didn't even enjoy skewering it on the blog. Usually when I'm watching something bad, I'm already stockpiling everything I'm going to say in my review and I can't wait to finish it. This show bored me to absolute tears.  I could not force myself to sit through it. I could write a better show than this. It was nothing but fanservice with pointless filler in between. Yes, I liked seeing Hayden Christensen as Anakin. Yes, I loved every single time Darth Vader was onscreen. Yes, I laughed every time Obi-wan cracked a snarky one-liner. Yes, I gushed when I saw Liam fucking Neeson in the last episode. But, why did I have to sit through six hours of filler to see all of that?

For this, I admit it was worth it...

The problem with making Star Wars shows set in between the main saga, is that we already know what the fuck happens. So there's absolutely no tension. Obi-Wan is not going to die. Leia is never in any danger. If a new character shows up, he can't do anything too significant without some annoying retconning. And he HAS TO either die or be so insignificant that we never need to see him again. 

When Ice Cube is part of the story but everyone fails to mention it...

How the fuck did these people manage to make Star Wars of all things unexciting and tensionless? Even though The Phantom Menace is poorly written and has no plot, there's nonstop action, people die, and shit explodes. There's actual stakes. In Kenobi, they do the same thing over and over again and then jam all the characters into their starting positions for the original trilogy and all the side characters die / fade into obscurity. Because they have to. 

This is the equivalent of me one day telling you a badass story with a solid ending and then every day afterwards coming back and telling you little minute details that have no impact on the story whatsoever.  

Also, I see Disney is coming out with another Bore Wars show either this year or next year. I didn't watch the fucking trailer, I'm on a Disney sabbatical after having to die through Ms. Marvel. I've literally never heard of the character that's in it, nor have I even seen the lead actor. And normally I'd take that as a good sign, but it's been eleven years. 

I'm not stupid...

Episode I-II Review

Episode III-IV Review

I don't own any of these fucking pictures; don't sue me Disney

This Place is Dead and So Are My Dreams

 Welp. I'm fucking back after my umpteenth hiatus. I don't like doing this anymore. In fact, the pressure of trying to finish a single post is a feeling I've come to despise. I used to post here every fucking day and I loved it. But I guess back then I had a lot of ideas of the person I wanted to be and who I thought I could become. I had a silly dream of becoming a musician, and being some established writer. It's not a dead dream, and honestly I've done a lot more than most people. Hell, I created and recorded multiple different episodes of a podcast. I remixed and released a few songs. I kept up this place for a few years. Hell, people read this shit. 

But dammit, I'm old, now.

Me, but like twenty years younger...

Age and disappointment have gotten to me. There was a time not too long ago when I was making a concerted effort to promote everything I posted here. Around the same time I was also posting for leisure. But you know time, addiction, stress, and aging have pulled me away from caring enough to trudge through the writer's block that comes with years of a lack of motivation. How many times do I pour my heart out about a movie to no one? How many songs, and albums do I review to deaf ears? I feel like a loser even complaining about this. I always said if you have a bad time writing something then people are going to have a bad time reading it. And I genuinely hate writing this shit half the time. I couldn't push through that Kenobi review series because the show sucked balls and my review was boring. I quit reviewing The Boys because I didn't want to trudge through it. I honestly don't even know whether I'm making excuses or I'm just ranting. And honestly who the fuck wants to read that shit?

But I said all that shit to say this. 

Fuck this shit. No more review series, no more structured content, no more anything. I want to write whatever the fuck I want to write, how I want to write it. I don't want this place to turn into the ravings of a mad madman, but hell, no one is reading the shit in the first place, because I don't even post anything.

I think I'm just still mad about my fucking book launch failing...