Joe's (Totally Not) Diary

Sunday, March 24, 2019

Overplaying Avenged Sevenfold Will Never Ever Get Old

Hello, again, old friends.

This morning I'm sitting in my kitchen. I've been in Atlanta for Spring break since last Saturday. Tonight, I return to Columbus.

I was singing along to 'Separate Ways' but I don't have the strength to carry on.

Probably because yesterday I had to go the ER for an allergic reaction to some shrimp and my stomach and throat still feel ... weird. So singing unfortunately seems to be out of the question for me this morning.

To be honest I was kind of struggling to get into the right state of mind to sing the song, anyway. I mean don't get me wrong, I love Journey, and I know every word of this song. But I just can't relate enough to feel it.

What can I say? My heart's never been broken.
And most of my shirts have sleeves...

© Columbia Records

And now, 'Hail to the King' is playing. (Youtube: "Oh, you like this 80's synth-pop song? How about you listen to this single from one of the most divisive heavy metal bands of this century?") Autoplay is either broken or something fishy is going on. My explanation is that someone paid off YouTube to have their songs auto-played more frequently than others. Even if the transitions are jarring and make absolutely no sense from a listening standpoint. But I won't point any fingers at who that someone might be.

[Cough] Warner Bros. [Cough] Records [Cough] [Cough]

© Shutterstock

I wouldn't be surprised if I've heard this song over a hundred times in my life. They used to play it nonstop on the radio when it was first released way back in 2013.

I remember first watching it from my Xbox 360 dashboard when they released it. That's how old this song is. A7X was being promoted on the music tab of the Xbox 360 dashboard. (Good luck even seeing the Foo Fighters on there now. It's all Beyonce, Ariana, and Bruno, now.) And they're still playing the hell out of it! Although, I can't deny it's grown on me. I don't hate the song. But it's definitely far from my favorite.

So I was listening to Paradigm (My actual favorite Avenged Sevenfold song) but I forgot to open it up in Youtube Vanced so it stopped playing when I changed tabs to my Notepad...

Oh, yeah. I've never told y'all about YouTube Vanced.

Warning: Shameless Promotion Upcoming.

I personally think it's wrong for someone to remove a line of code from an app and sell it back to you for $12.99 a month. If they made it so you could only use melee combat in FortNite without a premium account, we'd raise hell, right? With YouTube Vanced videos keep playing in the background when you switch to other apps and even when you turn off your screen. And best of all the app comes in three different themes. Blue, Dark, and classic Grey and White.

Yours truly immediately fell in love with the blue theme...

© YouTube Vanced

But if you want to know the most useful thing about Vanced - there are no ads on any of the videos. Ever. And let's face it. That's what we all want, ain't' it?

The link to YouTube Vanced's website is going to be in the comments of this post.

Alright, the Alpha M. portion of the post is over.

It's bright as hell outside and I still haven't meditated, yet. So I have to go do that. I sincerely hope no one interrupts me.

Peace the fuck out.

Monday, February 18, 2019

No, I'm Not Dead and I Haven't Forgotten About This Blog

Oh.

It's been a while.

I couldn't resist the temptation.

A week and two days to be exact.

But don't worry I can explain. Actually, no I can’t. I've been busy. Sometime in between attending classes, doing shit with my organization, and socializing, the blog got put on the backburner.

And now it's flamebroiled.

Which at Burger King means "burnt so badly it caught on fire."

And you wouldn't want my innocent cursor to get third-degree burns from touching that firey-ass "New Post" button would you? What kind of sick animal would do something like that?

Ask yourself, if it were your cursor would you want to

put him through that? Think of the pixels, dammit!

All jokes aside, I honestly can't make any promises about having a consistent posting schedule.

But I've got two weeks worth of untold jokes, and hilarious escapades up my sleeve and I can most definitely guarantee one thing.

When I do post something it's going to be funny as hell.

Godspeed, habibis. I will return.

Saturday, February 9, 2019

(Very) Early Morning Fun and Horrible Puns

Hey.

I'm on my way up to the area I usually sit in to write these posts. It's a seven minute walk from where I am right now. Or maybe it's five. Hell if I can gauge it.

I've been up for three hours, I can definitely tell you that.

But that's neither here nor there.

Retarded joke is retarded.

I can see through one of the windows in the dorm that someone has a TV on. Maybe there's someone else up at this hour. Or maybe they just sleep with the TV on. Who knows?

And more importantly who fucking cares?

It's about 5:30 and it's 40° out here. I'm listening to the Cars. Because that one song by the cars is the shit.

This one.

It doesn't get much weirder than this. Well, maybe it does. But I'm pretty sure you'd have to cross into illegal territory. And I'm not into doing that.

Not yet anyway...

Speaking of illegal territory, the campus police are slowly cruising behind me...

In a big white van.

It's pitch black out here and the parking lot is fucking empty.

What do you mean there's a kid in the picture? All I see is a pole.

Given they're at least a hundred feet back, so I shouldn't have seen them. I just happened to look back as they were turning a corner.

Don't get me wrong, I do get why they're following me (if they even are). Slowly strolling up to the front of the campus, while chewing gum and listening to Blue Oyster Cult at five in the morning does kinda give off an American Psycho-esque vibe. The average person would probably feel unsafe if they saw someone like that outside of their house at four in the morning.

And honestly the only reason I'm not scared out here is because I've done this at the very least twenty times. The scariest thing out here is low flying Hawks. (Which are pants-shittingly scary the first time you see them.)

"OH MY GOD! IT'S A FUCKING DEM -

Oh, it's just a bird."

Welp.

I'm finally up at here at the sitting area. I feel like ending this entry right here. Thank you for taking this journey with me.

Peace the flying fuck nuggets out.

Thursday, February 7, 2019

January 29, 2019: Now I Realize What Keeps Telivision Alive

Context: Remember when I said that I was going to upload the journal entries from that week I went M.I.A? This is the first one.

It's 39° out here. I'm snotting and coughing. I can see my breath. Yet somehow I feel pretty warm. I don't fucking know.

I don't know if this song has jackshit to do with what

I think it does but it makes for a good pun...

Anyways something caught my eye this morning.

The campus is dead. There's not a single fucker out here but me. All week around this time there's been athletes piling into the Rec Center.

Where are they now?

Did every single one of them decide to take Sunday off?

Surely just one person had to stay committed. Maybe they lock the buildings up on Sunday or something. I can't imagine that every single one of those athletes is either religious or too lazy to get up and work out on Sunday.

I don't want to sound preachy or trash anyone, but if you're going to live a lifestyle you gotta live it. Through sickness, and health. Through good moods and bad. Through madness and clarity. You can't let what you feel inside make you forsake who you are. Cause if you let your feelings define you then just who will you become?

No one. That's who.

But I'm not here to tell people how to live. I'm here to blog.

And this blog ain't funny any more. I enjoy writing it far more than before because I'm actually being authentic. But it just ain't funny no more.

Fuck it. I don't care.

The moon is covered by fog this morning. It looks like something of an 80's horror movie. I'd take a picture of it, if I didn't think it would look like complete ass.

I took this one, yesterday...

Speaking of ass, I wonder what Kendra Wilkinson is up to nowadays.

I got kicked out of the library trying to find this picture. You'd better enjoy it.

Last I heard, she caught her husband fucking a he-she (Can we still call them that? Is my blog going to be gone tomorrow morning?) and was doing the talk show circuit. I don't know how the hell that was supposed to help anything.

I'm not liable if you get cancer from watching this.

I never understood that shit. Just imagine.

You, a reckless NFL wide receiver who's married to a former Playmate, get on there and Dr. Phil asks you "Why did you fuck that ladyboy?" And the answer is either "I married a Playboy Bunny, and you're expecting me to display normal sexual conduct? The fuck outta here." Or the more obvious, "I clearly thought she was a woman. I like women. I'm a simple man, so I fucked, my relationship notwithstanding."

But they can't say that so he has to come up with an elaborate bullshit story about how he's been struggling with drug abuse since he was a three-year old in Beverly Hills. And then his dad wasn't around so he looked up to MC Hammer which made him start to objectify women and become a sex addict.

And it will sound so good. But if you step back and put things into perspective you'll scratch your head and ask "What does all of this shit have to do with him cheating on his wife with a transvestite?"

In my opinion crazy shit like this is why TV will never die.

And CNN reporting abject nonsense. That will keep it afloat, too...

Peace out.

The Answer Lies Within If You Don't Want to Hear Mötley Crüe Again

What the hell is up?

I'm sitting out here listening to Burt Bacharach. He and I happen to share a beautiful life philosophy.

I quite frankly don't have much to say this morning.

I woke up at the same time as usual. 5:30 sharp. I brushed my teeth, washed my face, pushed up and sat up all within fifteen minutes. I was really fucking happy about all that. Yet somehow I still wound up leaving the dorm later than usual. Go figure.

I still don't have much to say.

My right leg is in pain. It's been hurting for at least two weeks. But I'll live.

You tell em' Arnie.

© Paramount Pictures

Yep.

YouTube is on point this morning. I'm listening to "If You Could Read My Mind" right now. It auto-played after "This Guy's in Love With You." That was an excellent selection. And I know I sound like I'm being a kiss-up, but I haven't seen auto-play do something that smooth in weeks, when it played a Slipknot after another Slipknot song (AI is amazing, am I right?) I don't know why or how but all roads seem to lead to "Kickstart My Heart."

Listening to Suicide Silence? In ten songs you'll be listening to "Kickstart my Heart."

Rocking out to Sammy Hagar? "Kickstart My Heart" came out in the same era as that song! Let's listen to that next.

Oh you dig Iron Maiden, huh? But have you ever heard "Kickstart My Heart", though?

I've seen YouTube go from playing death metal to power metal to hair metal just so it could play "Kickstart My Heart."

I don't know if these S.O.B.'s paid off Wojcicski, or if the algorithim

was programmed by a fucking troll...

I don't know if it's like this for everyone but my auto-play is fucking broken.

Rant over.

Speaking of music I've been really digging 50's and 60's tunes lately. Maybe it's high time for another installment of "Music I've Been Listening To."

Yep.

I tried this thing yesterday where I locked myself in a room for two hours and did nothing but read, watch, and listen to my own creations. And boy, did I learn something.

In the past, I've written a lot of things that I thought would benefit my future self. I've written down my thoughts about small talk, confidence, and worry.

I consider them my own personal "Meditations."

I'm not trying to suck my own dick (Hell, you can check out my motivational blog and be the judge for yourself.) but half of the shit sounds like stuff a lifelong devotee of either Carnegie, Tony Robbins, or Jim Rohn would write.

Nope.

I've just been constantly forsaking my own judgement in pursuit of some kind of external enlightenment.

And you know what the funny thing about that is? One of the reasons I locked myself in that room was because a couple days ago I came to the conclusion that a lot of the things we search for externally are already inside of us.

I couldn't have been more right.

So as my parting words today, I want to share some advice. Whatever it is you've been chasing for the past couple of days, look inside of yourself.

Think deeply.

Was there a time when you already had it? What can you do to get it back? Is there a reason why you don't have it now?

Think about it.

But know that you don't have to consult anyone or anything outside of yourself and your own mind to find the answers to those questions.

Anyways, I've ranted long enough for today.

Peace.

Wednesday, February 6, 2019

Bleach Smells and Robotic Fails

What's up?

This month is passing by quickly. The funny thing is that it seems like it took no time for it to get to February, but now the days feel like actual days. It feels like time is actually starting to slow back down to what it's supposed to be.

Right now, I'm here in the same place I always am when I write these.

Also today I smell bleach.

Not that one...

There we go...

I can't tell if it's on my shoes or somebody spilled bleach out here where I'm sitting.

One thing I can tell is that the effectiveness of Google's speech-to-text recognition has atrophied..

Although it did understand the word "atrophied."

2 steps forward 15 steps back.

This morning I feel melancholy again. It's not a bad feeling. It's not a good feeling either, though. It inspires thought. It helps me think about who I am and what I don't like about my life. And because my life motto is basically just the entirety of the lyrics to the song "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head", I know I'm not gonna change a damn thing by complaining.

But, that doesn't stop me from feeling anxious and regretful.

Despite that I'm going to keep going on. It seems like the best days have the worst mornings. SO this isn't the end.

But sometimes I'd just like to wake up feeling like Stan Smith from American Dad.

I can probably count on my fingers the amount of times that's happened this year.

Oh wait.

No, I can't. Because the number is 0.

But, at least I've got hope. And that's all I need, dammit. That's all I need.

I love you guys.

Peace out.

Monday, February 4, 2019

Everything Fell Apart ... Including My Heart

What's going on?

It's 6:33 and I'm outside listening to "Battle Born" by Five Finger Death Punch.

Why am I so far behind schedule and why am I listening to such a depressing song so early in the morning?

Because sometimes I just feel...

melancholy.

Sometimes I second guess every little thing I do. Sometimes I feel guilty and unconfident. Afraid to be myself. I want to blame other people, but if it's words dragging me down, then who else can I blame but me?

I'm not too fond of writing this here. I mean, I don't mind suffering publicly in case I potentially show someone else they're not alone. But it just doesn't look good. This blog used to be the written equivalent of a Teletubbies episode.

It was happy and optimistic and you never knew when some

random insanity would come down the pipeline.

Now it feels like it's a fucking rant journal or a literal diary. Which is the very thing that it's not supposed to be. I don't know what the fuck to say...

But you know what?

The lyrics for any non-metal enthusiast who still wants to get the message...

Peace the flying fuck out...