Merry Christmas. Or whatever y'all celebrate in Germany. I don't know.
These are my pageviews sorted by country. I don't understand this number, but I ain't about to question it...
Anyways, for the last three days (I know what date it is, I just forgot to hit the post button on the 22nd.) I haven't been journaling. But I've done a lot more writing than usual. For the past two weeks, I've been tackling Atomic Habits by James Clear. I've been wanting to read it since I watched a summary video on it earlier this year (check that out here). However, I had to finish up No More. Mr. Nice Guy before I could tackle it.
You see, I'm not the kind of guy that enjoys reading two books at a time. The way I read things is by taking in a paragraph, and writing down what I've read in my own words. Sometimes it gets exhaustive to do that across three pages of the same book, so I can't imagine how annoying doing that for two books at once would be.
At least, not yet.
That's one of the big points of Atomic Habits. Scrutinizing what you think you can do, and challenging yourself little by little, until you can do so much more. I never would've seen myself as a guy who exercised every single day, or picked up his guitar and started learning and practicing chords and scales. Hell, not even six months ago, I declared that this blog was dead. But alas, I was wrong about so much stuff. The fundamental thing I've learned in reading both this book and No More Mr. Nice Guy is that in order to get the most productive things done, you have to change the way you view yourself. And the way I view myself is almost constantly changing.
Anyways, happy first day of Christmas.
You Americans don't understand the concept of multiple days of Christmas. It's a German thing. I just looked that up literally one minute ago.
Point me in the direction of Albuquerque. I'm just trying to get fucking home.
Commitments are fucking commitments. I mentioned two days ago that these blog posts aren't really blog posts. They're daily journal entries that I just edit up, add a few jokes to, and then paste into Blogger.
Not this one. I try to journal every day, but sometimes all I have to say is "I'm tired." And boy I'm tired.
But now that I'm here, I gotta at least say something funny. Or not.
This is probably the first time I've just directly started typing into Blogger instead of journaling. I think it's comparable to how in modern mixed martial arts you have guys that are skipping cross-training multiple different martial arts and are just apparently training MMA, outright. Maybe that analogy makes sense, maybe I'm sleep-deprived and talking nonsense.
I honestly don't think it's even factually correct.
What I do know is that I'm sleepy, so I'm about to end this shit.
I'm sitting here jamming "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do" by The Partridge Family. I got into those dudes back when I was working out of the home. I developed a taste for David Cassidy's swooning and crooning, and YouTube Music naturally autoplayed the Partridge Family. They've got some absolute bangers. I'd call them my only musical guilty pleasure but honestly. I'd blast this shit anywhere; I don't care.
[insert picture of gangster dude with boombox]
"Du-wop, I'm on my way back home!"
Anyways, I'm following along with AtomicHabits and scrutinizing the shit outta my daily processes. And the one I have been trying to figure out how to hack away at for a little bit is my to-do list. From my minimal studying, I've come to understand that using decision-making matrixes is better than using to-do lists. I used to have the Eisenhower Decision Matrix tacked onto my wall as a freshman in college. A system like that doesn't really help if you can't get your priorities straight. You wind up asking yourself questions like "Is it really urgent to get coffee, even though I know I won't be able to function as well without it?" And at the end of the day, you've spent more time thinking about making decisions than actually doing anything.
But I digress. I've got a busy ass day. I've got a doctor's appointment. I've got some fundraising shit to do. I'm trying to develop my endurance and conditioning so I don't die when I go to this Muay Thai gym, on Thursday.
Yeah, I'm getting into Muay Thai.
[Insert Insane Fight Circus Muay Thai Fight]
I don't endorse anything these dudes say during this video. IT'S JUST FUCKING BADASS!
I've been wanting to take up some form of combat, but I always got strange looks saying I'd start grappling as a grown man. But honestly, at this point, I've been talking about it for half a year, and I'm going to just do it.
Anyways, it's 1:30 PM and I've only been up for like two hours since I've become addicted to playing New Vegas. And last night I discovered the console commands. And hooooo boy, was that a fun-assed time. I say that I'm addicted to it, because I'd rather be playing that game, than writing this shit, right now.
People don't talk about how damaging and addictive video games can be. A lot of young dudes repeat the same patterns with video games that the previous generation did with alcohol and other substances.
But you didn't come here to see a not-old man rave about video games being the devil.
But they are...
Peace.
Why the hell am I listening to White Christmas, right now?
I'm just laying back, chilling, listening to A Night In Texas. I was combing through my old song reviews on Hubpages, and apparently, I wasn't generating a lot of traffic, because half of my articles got taken down.
It could be the lack of traffic or the hit-piece I wrote on them, but who knows???
That's their problem because when I Google search for half the stuff I've written about, my articles are the first results. Which means that I either wrote about some extremely niche shit, or my SEO skills were on point. Or both.
Anyways, I wrote a review of A Night In Texas / AngelMaker's split album back in 2018. Despite that, I was today years old when I figured out what the name 'AngelMaker' implies. I wasn't the brightest 18-year-old.
I had a therapy appointment earlier. Now, I'm just coasting, trying to find a balance between accomplishing the rest of my goals for the day and rewarding myself for accomplishing the stuff that I've already accomplished.
As an aside, this "Dissient" song by AngelMaker is really, really good. I recently logged into YouTube Music with my older YT account and let me tell you something.
My music tastes from age 11 - 19, were fucking exquisite. I rediscovered The Black Queen and wound up bumping them all morning. The Black Queen is the result of the most brutal hardcore band breaking up and the singer starting to make synthpop. I digress, but I'm not joking. The Dillinger Escape Plan would have shows where they'd literally run on the crowd's heads. Blood would be everywhere. And when they hung it up, one of them started making Tears For Fears-style cake music.
My man said, "Fuck this shit, I'mma be Justin Timberlake."
This is an even further digression, but for the past few years, I completely forgot that I was a student of metal. I wanted to make it, so I learned everything about it. Hell, in High School I made a periodic table of metal bands for Chemistry class. I was all the way in. I learned how to death growl, and picked up a guitar. Hell, I even recorded a cover of an At the Gates song and figured out how to make album covers. I was really serious about this musician thing.
What got me disillusioned? When it came time to seriously record, I tried to sing a fucking Danzig song to warm up.
Yes, the same Danzig that cofounded and wrote all the music for the Misfits. That one.
Despite having no vocal training.
And of course, it sounded absolutely awful. I now, know that Danzig has a vocal range comparative to Elvis, and there's no way in hell even with years of vocal training I could sound like him. But I was like "Nah, I suck, let's hang all of this music shit up and quit."
Maybe it's time to pick the microphone back up.
I honestly think it's telling that the only metaphor I can ever come up with for picking up the pieces of your life and starting back over is Tim Lambesis. (For those not in the know, Tim was the lead singer of the only good Christian metal band, As I Lay Dying. Around 2010, he started doing roids and eventually got convicted of trying to hire a hitman on his ex-wife. He got out of prison and the band welcomed him back with open arms, and he's been cooling out ever since.) It's been like three years and still through and through metal is the only thing I know. The more I write about this, the more I realize that I can't run away from what I want. I can only delay it and make myself upset that I don't have it, yet.
Anyways, I finished reading No More Mr. Nice Guy a week and a half ago. One of the most life-changing books I've ever picked up. I attribute that book to helping me lose weight, build better relationships, and figure out a lot about myself. I wouldn't be here typing this shit out right now if it weren't for that book. The thing about this book is that it pretends to be, and is marketed as some kind of macho roadmap. But the further you delve into it, you remember that the guy who wrote it is a therapist whose seen hundreds of patients. And he's tricked you into gazing inwards and fixing yourself. I won't spoil it, but later on, the book slowly shifts and turns and points the mirror into your past and starts asking you questions. And they don't feel good to answer. At least that was my experience. This book isn't necessarily about becoming a strong man. It's about learning to nurture the broken, hurt boy inside of you.
The thing that got me really actively losing weight and being consistent, was a little book called Atomic Habits. I just started seriously reading it last week, but I watched a summary of it back in June and it made me get serious about building a good habit of exercising. And I'm honestly very excited and happy to finally be picking it up and taking notes. I recommend Atomic Habits, too.
But there's a heavy burden on my heart. To whom much is given, much is due. I started this blog as a place to give back all the knowledge I'd received in my short life. Now that I have the means to give that knowledge out in person, I know that I must. It's the reason I'm alive and not just breathing.
Yes, that's a Killswitch Engage reference. I do those constantly...
To inspire people with the words of wisdom that I was given. To impart the words of my forefathers.
And that's what I'm doing by posting here. Making a public declaration that going forward, I'm going to give back. Because I've received a lot of things from a lot of people.
Just to emphasize how beautiful my life has been, I had the privilege of being in the same building as this dude right after he blew up. My life has been wonderful, and it's time to bring up other people.
Stay fucking tuned. Great things are coming.
I don't own any of these pictures, I ain't a photographer.
Well, I finally went back and read all of those old posts. They're not actually blogposts, they're just daily journal entries that I spruced up, added jokes to, and posted online. And honestly, I laughed, cringed, and had an awesome time. 19-year-old me was a riot. I would've loved to have been a fly on the wall when I was writing half of those posts.
On a serious note, going back and reading those posts made me realize that I was almost a completely different person than I am right now. Which is a good thing and a bad thing. On the one hand, if I've been the same person for the past 3-4 years, then thousands of hours and dollars have gone right into the shitter. So it's good to see that I'm not.
On the other hand, I see that I was vulnerable and open about some very serious things. I repeatedly hammered home that I was suffering from anxiety, but it wasn't going to stop me from doing anything. I talked about my struggles with self-doubt. Hell, I even ended each and every post with a salutation and thanks to all the readers. I was really blogging out here. I earned my stripes, so to speak. (At least in my mind.)
And honestly, I don't even know where, or how I lost that fire. The young man that wrote all of that stuff from 2018 - 2019 was angry, but he was hungry and he was willing to do anything to build a better life for himself. Hell, I explicitly stated multiple times that my life was going wrong, but I'd never give up or complain about it. And it's not the fact that I said that shit that's intriguing me. It's the fact that I was actually living that life. If an 18-year-old kid said anything like that to me, right now, I'd let them cling to me like a fruitbat. Because that's a powerful mind. But enough about the past.
My concerns about maintaining this blog going forward (and my hesitations about keeping the posts public) are employment related. Back when I started this place, I thought I was going to be on the road touring, telling everyone my life story by now. I didn't think for a second that I'd actually be doing anything related to computers in an office. So I never cared about saying all manner of wild and offensive things. But as I reign myself in, and get a little closer to white-collar employment, I realize.
These employers be creepin'.
And if you're trying to work for Reeboks, their hiring manager don't care that you were 13 when you said you hated Reeboks, all they care about is that you said it.
You say you want to work at my Pizza Hut, but I found this picture on Facebook, of you eating Dominos when you were 4! Gotcha!
But nonetheless, I'd like to start back journaling, and keeping this place maintained, again. To get something you've never had before you've got to do something you've never done.
And I've never openly blogged about my life as an adult.
See ya!
P.S. If you're coming here looking for personal information on me, you're in the wrong place. My contact details are on the sidebar. I'm open and willing to answer all questions from anyone.
Much shit has been made about this, to the point that it's fucking aggravating. I haven't used Facebook regularly since they flagged a meme I posted as "misleading" way back in 2020. It's for old people and data miners. I'm neither of those things. Yet.
I feel the urge to explain why the hell my Facebook account says I'm 31. But it boils down to the fact that they won't let me correct it and I'm not about to make another fucking Facebook account. I don't give a shit. It's funny. I'm clearly not 31.
Anyways, I said all that to say this.
The internet is forever. Whatever you post can get screenshotted, archived, and preserved forever and ever and ever. And I personally have said some insane shit on the internet. My rule of thumb has always been to never post anything online that I wouldn't say in person. That becomes an issue when you realize the shit you'd say at 18 years old wouldn't even cross your mind at the age you are right now.
Hell, half of the shit I've posted on this very blog is ridiculously embarrassing and expository. But I admire that. Somewhere along the line, I lost the ability to be so damn open. Not only did I lose that ability, but I've even been afraid of showing that kind of vulnerability. I'm in disbelief that I was actually openly talking about how I felt and posting it on the internet for anyone to see. I'm jealous of the 18-year-old who did that. I couldn't imagine hopping on here and being like "XYZ pissed me off at my job today and I got into a fistfight last night." I don't want to read that shit, and anyone who wants to read it is fucking weird.
So in a way, seeing insane shit that I've posted on the Internet (especially stuff on this blog) helps me to see how I've grown as a person. Are there times when I wish that I hadn't said or posted certain things? Obviously yes. But the fact that I can look back on those things and say,"Oh my god, why the hell did I put that on the Internet?" shows me that not only have I matured as a person. It also proves to me that I probably have a lot more unforeseen maturing to do in the future.
And also, I think I've repeated, again, and again, and again, that I don't give a shit what anyone thinks about me as long as they're thinking about me. I came here to be remembered and if shit I did 10 years ago on the internet is having people approaching me in person right now, I think I may be doing something right. I record everything that I do, as a means of tracking my progression as a person. I firmly believe that the only person I should compare myself to; and be jealous of is myself. So honestly, when I see some stupid shit that I've posted online in the past, it makes me happy. I cringe hard. But after I cringe I can't help but be grateful that I'm aware enough not to post the same thing in the future. And the future is all I'm concerned with.
The best thing about the future is that it's being created in real-time.
