February 3, 2018: Feel Good Meditation and Footnotes About Relaxation

Much needed context:

Long story short, I started this blog to archive my collection of journal entries dating back to January of last year. Back then I was still in Highschool, and I mostly wrote about my struggles with socializing, math and being in an organization.

Further context for this post is provided in these posts - Explanation of What I'll Be Doing On This Blog | The Very First One

Much needed context ends here.

Good morning. It's your friendly neighborhood introvert here. I was meditating this morning, thinking about the happy times in my life. And a wave of very melancholic nostalgia hit me. I started crying. I'm an emotional person, even though I hide it. I'd be crying every couple of hours if I didn't think other people would call me weak.

My aunt and cousin dropped by in the middle of my meditation, and for once we had an amazing interaction. I felt as if I'd reached the golden me. My voice is uniform. My mind is clear, and my paths are set. That's the goal of meditation.

Yesterday's trip [to the Mercedes Benz Stadium] was rough. The trip ended with the school police searching the bus for some shit someone stole from the event. 

This morning I feel rested because I slept until 6:00. Today, I have to host a program at Tri-Cities HS and break the news to Johnson that I'm failing the fuck out of English and Math. Fuck my decisions.

©  Nickelodeon Animation Studios

I'm at the Tri-Cities program and I'm fine, apart from the fact that I've made some pretty bad first impressions. And I'm not wearing the organization's colors in the slightest. And I'm the only guy who showed up. It feels awkward as fuck.

Changing Career Levels and Christian Death Metal

What's up?

I've been rolling around on the floor  for the better half of an hour.  I want to go back to sleep. I feel sleepy. But it just ain't happening. Besides, I've got a bit on my mind...

Well, it definitely isn't that...

© SMKEXCLSV

I applied for the zoo on Saturday. They called me yesterday and told me I got the job. So no more sandwich making.

I've got to tackle a whole new beast...

Two song puns in a row. Hey-oh!

© Columbia Records

I didn't apply to work with the animals, or do frontend service. I applied to work with the attractions. You know, the carousel, the slide, and all the shit you make grandma do with the kids when they get tired of walking around? And that's fine and dandy.  I'm damn good with people and I'm always developing my conflict resolution skills.  But despite having an eight-year old sibling, I don't consider myself the best with kids. 

"Goddamnit Billy! Could you use the ten words you know instead of being a little baby? Oh wait..."

© Getty Images

But hell, that's why I'm doing this. You have to start somewhere. What better place than here? What better time than now?

Plus if you've been reading this blog for the past couple of days you know it's turned into Joe's Adventures in Lackluster Employment. We can at least change that 'Lackluster' into 'Spectacular.'

And speaking of lackluster, I can’t find my tennis ball. I use it to exercise my chest and shoulders every morning. (It's an easy exercise if you want to check it out yourself.) I haven't really looked for it, yet. But this would be the first time I've had to.  It's a neon green ball the size of a fist. Nothing else in my house is that color. Eh, whatever.

In other news, I got up with the idea of writing a song reminiscent of "Eternal Eclispe." (All you need to know is that the opening lines are,"I hate humanity, and I will not hesitate to kill!") But I just don't have that kind of hatred in me. My biggest weakness is my love of people. I can definitely get angry at people from time to time. And a trip to Walmart on a Sunday will have anyone feelling misanthropic.  But the feeling never sticks. And I'll always have hope for the world.  I wouldn't get out of bed if I thought this world had gone to shit. Hell, that's what keeps me going.
But it's not exactly the right fuel for a good death metal song...

"I HAVE ENDLESS COMPASSION! 

MY LOVE IS EVERLASTING!"

© Dylon Schroeder Photography 

Well, it wouldn't necessarily be bad death metal. It would just be mediocre Christian Death Metal. And God knows we already have enough of that. I'm not jumping on that train.

But, anyway.

Peace the fuck out.

Uncovering These Illusions Is Always The Solution

Welcome back.  

I'm sitting here in my kitchen. I've been up for exactly 16 minutes. And boy it sure doesn't feel like it. I just got done with the things that I do every single morning. Folding up my sheets and my pillows brushing my teeth. Using the bathroom. And now here I am recording this.

The passion is real...

I've still got my job on my mind. You see, riding home yesterday I thought about the fuckshit that happened at work. And I thought about the cosmic scale of things. I thought about my goals and aspirations in life. I thought about the end and the beginning. 

I thought about the vastness of the universe 

and my minute role in it...

And I asked myself, "Where does my job fit in here?" And after a few seconds of contemplative silence I realized that it didn't. So there's no reason to be stressed out about fucking up. Because on the scale of things I personally give a damn about, my current job isn't even on it. And I know this may sound like the same conclusion an angsty teen would come up with but it's the fucking truth. Never in my life have I aspired to work in fast food. I don't knock anyone who does but that's just simply not my cup of tea. It never has been and never will be my goal in life. 

Don't get me wrong. There's never a dull day and I've definitely gained life experience. But this ain't the end. It's the first ladder on the rung.

As long as I go in there and give it my all every day. As long as I treat those customers like my best friends. As long as I don't allow any of them to give any shit to my coworkers or any shit to each other, I'm staying true to myself and that's all that matters.

So my conclusion is fuck it. I don't give a flying fuck if they fire me. I’ve got what I need to move on. 

Some things just ain't worth worrying our pretty little heads over.

In conclusion, keep your pretty little heads up, don't take any shit from anyone, and have a great day.

Rising Suns and ... Twenty-One Guns?

Hey, guys. I'm doing too hot this morning.

I feel melancholic.
I feel lost.
I'm exactly who I never wanted to become. Undisciplined. Unexercised.
I'm only doing things out of obligation.

Goddamit...

I feel like a shell of myself.

Something ain't right, here...
© 20th Century Fox

I feel like a fucking loser. I know it's all just a matter of perspective, but when I look on the bright side I find myself wishing that I'd done it sooner. And worrying that I'll fall back into negativity.

And then I eventually do...

I don't know what to do. I know what I want. But I feel tied down onto a personality and life that will keep me from it.

Should I just walk away?

Can I just walk away? 

Of course I can. All it takes is one step at a time. And courage.

There's always a shining sun over the horizon. But you won't see it until you get to the top of the hill.

© Rising Sun Photography