February 3, 2018: Feel Good Meditation and Footnotes About Relaxation

Much needed context:

Long story short, I started this blog to archive my collection of journal entries dating back to January of last year. Back then I was still in Highschool, and I mostly wrote about my struggles with socializing, math and being in an organization.

Further context for this post is provided in these posts - Explanation of What I'll Be Doing On This Blog | The Very First One

Much needed context ends here.

Good morning. It's your friendly neighborhood introvert here. I was meditating this morning, thinking about the happy times in my life. And a wave of very melancholic nostalgia hit me. I started crying. I'm an emotional person, even though I hide it. I'd be crying every couple of hours if I didn't think other people would call me weak.

My aunt and cousin dropped by in the middle of my meditation, and for once we had an amazing interaction. I felt as if I'd reached the golden me. My voice is uniform. My mind is clear, and my paths are set. That's the goal of meditation.

Yesterday's trip [to the Mercedes Benz Stadium] was rough. The trip ended with the school police searching the bus for some shit someone stole from the event. 

This morning I feel rested because I slept until 6:00. Today, I have to host a program at Tri-Cities HS and break the news to Johnson that I'm failing the fuck out of English and Math. Fuck my decisions.

©  Nickelodeon Animation Studios

I'm at the Tri-Cities program and I'm fine, apart from the fact that I've made some pretty bad first impressions. And I'm not wearing the organization's colors in the slightest. And I'm the only guy who showed up. It feels awkward as fuck.

An update from later that month- 

This was one of the most awkward experiences I've ever had in my life. But Johnson taught me something on the way home. And he taught me it by saying this - "You're going to have a heart attack by 25 if you don't learn how to relax." I laughed, but he interrupted it with an "I'm serious."

And I always remember that whenever I'm at some social function fucking up. I met Derrick fucking Boazman at this event. The stakes don't get this high. EVER. Well usually. And that's why I chill. My mentor taught me to.

I really took some accountability and became me that day. Things could have gone better. I had to think. I learned to stop reacting and start responding.