Ranking the Terminator Films, I Guess...

I was recently thinking about how amazing the first two Terminator movies are. And that train of thought got me thinking about how shitty the last few ones have been. So I decided to rank them. And I have a blog, so why not let everyone else know where these movies fall on my list. 

Alright, let's do this. Obviously from worst to best starting with -

6. Terminator Genisys

That's ... not how you spell that. Who let their 

ten-year-old name the movie?

There was a lot of amazing press for this movie. Arnie was back as the Terminator. Sarah Conor was back (and she was being played by Emilia Clarke). The T-1000 was also going to be in it. Matt Smith was going to be playing the villain. Jai Courtney was playing our favorite 80s everyman superhero Kyle Reese (Although, I don't know who was happy about that. Possibly Australians.) 

And then the movie was fucking terrible. They spoiled the big twist of the movie in all of the trailers. And the big twist was stupid as fuck. John Connor as the bad guy makes no sense. Matt Smith was in like one scene and had no lines. They cast some random Asian as the T-1000 (despite the fact that you could go to any trailer park and find like five dudes that look like Robert Patrick) and was only in one scene. Emilia Clarke and Jai Courtney had as much chemistry as two drops of water. 

Remember when they first showed us this set photo at Comic-Con?

 Notice how Jai Courtney is the only one who doesn't look confused. 

I'm not going to lie to you, the only thing I remember about this movie is that something happened on a bridge. Also, old Arnie travels back to the opening of the first Terminator and kills the OG T-800. Although, I wouldn't have even remembered that if that scene didn't come up while I was looking up the director. This movie is the worst thing an action movie can be. Forgettable and boring. I honestly can't think of anything good about this movie.

5. Terminator Salvation

This movie had a lot of cool of Terminators in it. It's also the only Terminator movie that we've had set in the post-Judgement Day apocalyptic future. The scenes where the Resistance has to fight the machines are pretty dope.  It feels like Mad Max meets I-Robot (if all the robots looked like the Decepticons from Transformers.) The cast is amazing for a 2009 action movie. Christian Bale, Sam Worthington, Bryce Dallas-Howard, Anton Yelchin. All of those folks were on fire back then. Hell, Terry Crews was even in there as a dead body in one scene.

Don't ask me how I even knew that...

I would probably have loved the twist where the main character is actually a Terminator if it wasn't spoiled by the trailer. (And if it actually had any impact on the plot.) 

The movie is also, somehow, boring. Which is insane. You took the apocalyptic future scenes from the openings of Terminator 2 and 3, made them into a whole movie, and cast Batman as John Connor and it wasn't an instant classic? That's a clear cut problem. (I think the drastic tonal differences between some of the poster art accurately sums up the issue. This is the movie we could've gotten. This is the movie we got. This movie could be so much more badass than it is.)

Note From Future Joe: So I now know this film was a victim of the 2007 Writer's Strike. And in my opinion, that technically would mean there's only five Terminator movies. Despite what Hollywood tries to tell you, you can't make a movie without a writer. There was a script, but it wasn't finished by the strike and it went through so many different hands and rewrites, they might as well have been filming three different movies at once. All of a sudden, Terry Cruise's corpse but not his character being in the movie makes sense. The mismatch of cool looking posters and slow dialogue-heavy scenes makes sense. This movie isn't bad, it's just 2/3 of a movie. 

4. Terminator: Dark Fate.

This one was okay. I liked that Linda Hamilton and Arnie came back. I liked that the opening scene ties into T2. Apart from that, this movie was laughably bad. It kind of felt like this movie was trying to push a weird political agenda. The way they repeatedly emphasized Sarah and John as failures kind of felt like the movie was saying "Out with the crotchety old white people and in with the young people of color!" I think at one point, they even free everyone in an ICE detention center. The main character has asthma or something. I'm not against all of that shit, but I don't think it belongs in a Terminator movie. 

On top of all that, Linda Hamilton seemed like she didn't want to be there. A lot of her dialogue was TERRIBLE. Hell, most of the dialogue in this movie was terrible. Honestly, the only good parts of this movie are the scenes with the T-800. 

Unlike Salvation, where the worst part is when the T-800 is on screen.

Arnie saves this movie from being completely unwatchable. 

It may not make sense why I ranked it above Salvation, but if I had to rewatch one of the two, I'd pick Dark Fate in a heartbeat. I have to give it to this movie because there's an intense action scene at least every five minutes. I can't say the same for Salvation.

3. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

Yeah, I haven't seen this movie in a while. I wouldn't mind watching it again though. I can't say that about the three movies that came after this. This movie is genuinely funny at times and it's arguably the very last classic Arnie movie. Nick Stahl is also always fun to watch (Have you seen Sin City? It's a shame he hasn't done more movies) and the T-X is an interesting villain. 

Although, the movie is indeed a tad bit silly. 

Just a tad bit...

The final fight is a lot more boring than a fight between two cyborg assassins from the future should be. This movie isn't bad in my opinion. In fact, it's miles ahead of all of the Terminator movies that came after it. But, it's just average. And the first two Terminator movies are anything but average. 

2. The Terminator

This is a classic. I can probably watch this movie over and over again and still enjoy it. And I love how as I got older the way I watched this movie changed. The Terminator can be viewed as a stand-alone sci-fi tinged slasher movie. Think about it. You have the emotionless, inhuman killer, who just keeps coming back. The Terminator is basically Jason Voorhees, merely sharing a scene with him is a death sentence for most characters. All of the important characters are picked off until we're left with one final girl. And this movie is from the mid-80s, the height of the slasher genre. This is a slasher movie.  

Apart from that, this is peak Arnold Schwarzenegger. Hell, this is peak Michael Biehn. The man only did like three movies and is a bonified 80s action hero. And I'm going to go out on a limb and say this is James Cameron's (second) best movie. Fight me. 

1. Terminator 2

Imagine you just made one of the most successful sci-fi/slasher movies of all time. Now take the villain from the first movie and make him a genuinely lovable action hero. And then replace him with another villain that's just as terrifying as the original villain was in the first movie. Then take the kid of the protagonists of the last movie and make him the main character. Also, ditch the horror undertones this time and go for straight-up action. 

Do you know how hard that would be to pull off? It would be insanely hard, and James Cameron pulled it off so well, there was nowhere else to go. 

I don't have to tell you about how awesome Terminator 2 is. This movie is a bonified American classic.

What Now?

I honestly think they should call it quits and stop making these movies. The big issue here is that none of the sequels since 2003 are even canon anymore. And all of them have been at best, mediocre movies. Another gigantic issue with the franchise has been shitass marketing. Salvation was marketed as a kid-friendly, action-packed blockbuster and its mostly pointless talking, shooting, and running in the desert. Genisys was obviously just a bad movie to begin with, but they put everything that could've redeemed it in its trailers.  And I don't even remember seeing any marketing for Dark Fate. Which is just shameful, because I'm a twenty-something nerd. You know, the exact target demographic for the goddamn movie?!? I didn't even know there was a new Terminator movie, until we got to the theater and Joker was sold out.

And not to mention, that anytime these last movies have had even a slight plot twist, the ad company made sure to put it into every trailer. 

I don't believe that Disney owns the rights to the movies, but this is one case where I think it would be better if they did. In the state this franchise is in, I don't think the House of Mouse would even attempt to make any more sequels. And if they did, they'd do a better job than Skydance. They wouldn't allow trailers that reveal key plot points. They wouldn't keep recasting everyone. They wouldn't make sequels that retcon each other. And if Disney is good at anything, it's knowing their target audience.

Honestly, the best thing to do would be to make a loose sequel to Dark Fate and move on from there. It doesn't matter if Dark Fate sucks and this new movie is going to be completely different. The Child's Play franchise is a perfect example of working around bad movies. You acknowledge the good parts of those movies, and you mock the bad parts. You don't just ignore them and start over. 

The Terminator Series is Owned by Skydance Media 

The ABC's of Reviewing Week 20 - Allegaeon [EP]

I wanted to surprise y'all with a gift for labor day but I realized something. I'm fucking tired of reviewing All That Remains. I never thought that I'd ever say that. I try to be honest in my reviews. Which works really well if I'm reviewing a band I've never heard before or a shitty band. But when I have a band that I really like (such as All That Remains) there's only so many ways and times that I can say "The riffing is amazing!", or "Everything is on point, here.", before I sound like a broken record. I guess I found out that in this case there really can be too much of a good thing. 

So instead of reviewing my favorite band, I'm reviewing one of my favorite records. - Allegaeon's self-titled EP.

Flawless logic I know.  But, this EP only has four songs, so I can't

 possibly repeat myself that much this time.

I discovered this band because of their dopeass album art. I was Googling for something and the cover of this EP popped up, so I downloaded it on my phone. 

I mean, look at that shit. That's some next-level artwork. 

And then one day I was looking for some new music to listen to so I pulled up the record. And after I heard 'Nex of Terra.' I immediately bought the EP. 

And I know I've complained about tech-death being stupid. But let me clarify. There's a right and wrong way to tech-death. When you're so focused on being complex and unique that the music sounds weird and unlistenable, you're doing it wrong. (Brain Drill playing so goddamn fast all you hear is screaming and guitar notes comes to mind.) But when you're just good as fuck at your instrument and you want to show it off by making complexly structured music, but you make sure it sounds good. You're doing it right. (Revocation definitely comes to mind. I wish they were on my review list.) 

Allegaeon is on the right half of the tech-death spectrum. I know goddamn well I won't be doing any covers of their songs unless I get GOOD.

Let's put on our listening machines -

The Weeds Will Prosper

© Metal Blade Records

I'm not the biggest fan of this song in particular but that's where I take into account how unique this band sounds. I don't know too many vocalists that sound like Ezra Haynes. He has that nasty, 90s Melodeath-esque snarl, but he enunciates perfectly. The fact that you can actually understand him, makes him seem like that much more of a monster in my book. 

Imagine if you were watching Friday the 13th and Jason started speaking in clear English. That motherfucker would be way scarier.

"Oh, yeah, I'm still going to silently kill you.
Just felt like chatting for a sec."

Yeah, I hear all that insane riffing and drumming. Yeah it's insane. Yeah, I take my hat off. But its nowhere near as good as the next track -

Nex of Terra

Oh, boy. I've got so much to say about this one. Firstly 'Nex of Terra' is a cool Latin way of saying  'Death of the Earth.' And the lyrics are a cool way of saying that we're all carelessly destroying the earth and it's inevitably going to kill everybody. And it sounds badass. We're wrecking the fuck out of the planet and it's fucking awesome. Which it honestly shouldn't be. And I'm guessing that's exactly the point of this song. Polluting the earth is so awesome, it's a national pastime that you can write a dopeass metal song about. It doesn't help that the rhyme pattern makes it sound like Ezra is rapping. And the juxtaposition is how fucked up that fact is. 

And I told y'all NO ONE sounds like Ezra Haynes. Every time he shrieks "FIIIIIIRRRREEE" you can just picture the world engulfed in flames. The badass intro riff that gets repeated at the end of the song makes this song feel like a warning wrapped up in one heavy-hitting, metal-ass, book of prophesy. 

Preaching the Machine

Pretty decent intro riff on this song. I feel like I could actually play it. This is an okay track. Definitely the weakest off of the EP. I don't know what Ezra actually needs because I can't understand the chorus of the song. It sounds like he's either saying, "ALL I NEED IS MY FOOT!", or "ALL I NEED IS MY BUTT!" Which is hilarious either way. 

Cower Before Me

Boy, what the fuck was going during those first few seconds? That was like a death metal marching band. It sounded like there were eighteen people playing. 

And this song exudes Hatebreed levels of "I'll fuck you up if you cross me." energy. You know how you can listen to a song and know the exact moment a circle pit would open up? This is one of those songs. This song would have fists flying and arms windmilling. Even the security would be shoving folks to the ground. 

And this one time, I'm not spoiling it for you. You click that fucking play button and listen for yourself. But you better be in an empty room. Cause if you ain't then you'll be slamming someone against something. This is fucking war music!

Final Verdict / So What's Next?

Y'all know I don't like to give my opinion in the first review of the series. But if I have to sum up this album and Allegaeon in one word - "Fun." It's fun to listen to Allegaeon, and their music videos will have you on the floor laughing (sometimes unintentionally.) I discovered this band during my senior year of highschool, so listening to them gives me nostalgia. I know y'all probably don't care but I used to create apps and I remember that  I would almost exclusively listen to Allegaeon whenever I was working. Listening to this band again has put me into a creative mood.

Speaking of creative moods, I know you guys are wondering if I'm going to come back. It's been two months since I was regularly posting. And the one thing that always amazes me, is that no matter how long I'm gone, there's always someone reading. Hell, I do this for fun, but I like to think that the three views on every post are diehard readers. And to those three readers, I say "I won't be back just yet." And I know I've still got to wrap up the All That Remains series. But don't worry, the later albums are kind of shitty, so it should be a little more fun to read these next few reviews,

But until then, I say "Auf wiederschein."

Or something. I don't know; I don't speak German.

Allegaeon Album Cover © 2008 Allegaeon

Confused Man © 2015 Easy Online Dating

Jason Voorhess Picture © 1988 Paramount Pictures

Sam Eliot GIF © 1998 Universal Pictures

What I've Been Up To

Well. I said I'd be back soon, didn't I? 

I know this isn't the All That Remains review you guys are waiting on, but trust me it's coming down the pipeline. I just want to tidy up a few things. 

But you (probably) read the title. What have I been up to?

I've been mostly going from city to city. I live in a different city than I work in, so I hang out in Atlanta on my work days, then I come back to suburbia for a break. And then I do it all over again.

I've been reading a few books. I'm really deep into this one on building Charisma. And I've also been reading David Goggins' book. And let me tell you, that is one tough motherfucker.

If you've ever read the Bible, the character 'God' was based on him.

Haven't been playing too much Doom or Quake. Haven't had the time or setup. And I stopped playing mobile games. 

I think I may have developed a slight addiction to Monster. Every single day I've worked, I've had one. That can't possibly be healthy, but I sure as hell wouldn't be able to get through the day without one. 

Besides, it's either that or Pixie Stix every three hours. 

God knows I don't have the money for a habit like that.

I have a lot of fun flirting with the guests at my job. We get more than a few smooth brained visitors that do stupid things and telling those stories is fun. 

I'm still trying to have my hot girl summer but the ACLU told me I can't identify as a woman for ten minutes a day. 

I watch a lot of political stuff on YouTube.  Don't worry about my views, just know that I don't judge you unless you're hurting yourself or someone else. I may or may not support your opinions. 

All in all, I haven't been up to much. But if you're ever sitting on your couch wondering what I'm doing it's probably one of those things above. 

I do have some good news -

There's this one thing I'm working on. And I think you guys are really going to like it, cause I'm having a helluva time putting it together.

What is it?

You'll just have to stick around and see.

- Joe

I'm Going Away ... Again

In the process of writing the last review, I realized something. Writing these reviews is starting to feel like a chore. I absolutely love delivering the goods every week. But after my first break from here, I swore that I wouldn't force myself to write, because it affects the quality of the posts. 

So I guess what I'm saying here is that we're going back on hiatus for the foreseeable future. Y'all got no idea how much it hurts me to say that. I feel like I'm letting you down. 

But it hurts me, even more, to trudge through these reviews knowing they'll be no fun to read because I'm not enjoying writing them anymore.

So this is goodbye for now.

I promise I'll be back soon.

Thanks for the support.

- Joe

The ABC's of Reviewing Week 19: All That Remains Part 3

Are y'all ready for one of the greatest metalcore albums of all time? Of course, you are!

But before we start listening; this week's installment of Where Were They Then?: All That Remains 2006 Edition -

Between this album and the last, founding drummer Michael Bartlett took his leave and was replaced by drumming legend Shannon Lucas (of The Black Dahlia Murder and Battlecross fame.) Apparently, bassist Matt Deis from the last record was fired for being too drunk during live performances. He was replaced by Jeanne Sagan, who I'm pretty sure we all collectively refer to as "That Chick from All That Remains."

She gives off Auntie vibes.

Alrighty, kids. Strap the fuck in. I'm not responsible for any broken necks or whiplash you get from violently headbanging on this journey.

This Calling

© Prosthetic Records

Yup, this is the moment we've all been waiting for. From that inhale that kicks off this song you know that you're in for a wild ride. This isn't just peak All That Remains. Oh, no. It's the kickoff off of metalcore as a genre in general. 

What the fuck do I have to say here? If you're reading this, you've most certainly already heard this song tons of times. This song has an amazing outro. The harmonious screaming, riffing and singing are perfection.

However, I will say something that may be unpopular.

I fucking hate the video for this song. Yes, I'm happy that a lot of folks discovered the band from the credits of Saw III.  Nice tie in. Saw III is still a fucking disgusting movie I wouldn't wish my worse enemies to sit through and the song has nothing to do with anything violent.

Not Alone

And the album glides along smoothly. The tone and the speed of the guitar playing here makes you feel like you can play this yourself. If everything else about this song was terrible, I'd still love it because if the guitar work on display here. Once again, I have to say hats off to Oli. 

It Dwells In Me

This track is pretty good. I'm not afraid to admit that I don't like it as much as the last two tracks. The solo is pretty decent. It honestly feels a little silly to call this song filler when it could easily be the best track in any other metalcore band's entire discography. 

We Stand

This one is the percent blend of melody and aggression with Phil's singing and the heavy breakdowns. The main riff is a perfect example of keeping it simple but still rocking. It has like three notes to it. Any one of us could play the chorus to this song. 

Whispers (I Hear You)

This is probably the softest track so far. And what does that say about this album given that Phil kicks it off by shrieking? You know how I always talk about that scream that sounds both monstrous and helpless simultaneously. Phil does it multiple times on this track. Phil has become big homie. Phil had achieved great vocalist status. And he just rubs that shit in with this next track.

The Weak Willed

This is the closest All That Remains has come to making outright death metal. Oli is shredding at ten miles per hour. There's goddamn blast beats. Blast beats on All That Remains album. Phil is growling deep enough to give Corpsegrinder a run for his money. And then he pulls out the scream I was just complimenting last track again. Most of this track sounds like a Disney Villain song (if Disney had balls). It just sounds fucking evil. And then it breaks down into Phil singing and a clean riff from Oli. This is a very unique track. 

I never knew where to mention this but Phil used to be part of a grindcore group called Impending Doom. Their first EP is the shit (https://youtu.be/pQMmiQfQhRQ) and they just reunited this year.

Become the Catalyst

This track is pretty heavy too. It starts off with Phil screaming. The chorus riff sounds a lot like the intro from Trivium's "A Gunshot to the Head of Trepidation" (You'll recognize Trivium's Ascendancy as another influential metalcore album.) Probably just a coincidence. The chorus is some clean singing about courage. This is probably the most Killswitch Engage-sounding song on the record.

The Air That I Breathe

Once again I ask, what should I say, here? This is a track that comes to mind whenever you mention metalcore. It's one of ATR's flagship songs.

The lyrics are some awesome shit about prosperity and carving your own path in life. I used to sing this song every morning (amongst other things) to get amped up. 

The guitar solo is amazing. I struggle to call it a solo because the drummer is going HAM the whole time. And goddamn those last thirty seconds are perfect. The way Phil' screams "No" is amazing.

Empty Inside

Phil had a nasty scream on this record. There's a very good reason this record is cited as one of the best metal albums of the 2000s. Phil's screaming is up there with Dani Filth in terms of how nasty it can sound. This track really showcases that.

Six

Once again Oli blesses us with the silky smooth guitar tone. This whole track feels a little smoother than the rest of the record. The vocal effect that Phil uses on some of the verses would become really prominent. Remember how I said 'For Salvation' off This Darkened Heart sounded more like this record than anything else on that record? This song sounds more like a track off of For We Are Many. Apart from the guitar solo.

Which was amazing by the way.

Indictment

Jesus Christ. I can't hold my tongue here. They dropped the ball with that breakdown. Phil came in with vocoder sounding like a badass radio host about to fuck some shit up. And they didn't even really do anything. That would have been the time for a heavy ass beatdown style blast beats and screaming breakdown to end the track with. That's my indictment.

This is still a fucking badass song. Oli grooved it up with that solo. Everyone went hard during that last minute.

My Favorite Song /  Final Verdict 

Hands down my favorite song off of this one is "The Air That I Breathe." It has one of the best solos on the record. The video is hella memorable. And the lyrics are very inspiring.

I do appreciate the fact that Phil introduced some different vocal styles and that Oli's guitar playing is completely cleaned up. Although I will admit this was their hardest record to sit through. Compared to the last two it felt a bit lacking in personality. It's their first record that felt a little formulaic and predictable. Even with Phil using only one vocal style on Behind Silence and Solitude, it had some songs that you could call straight melodeath and some songs that were something entirely different. The same goes for This Darkened Heart. This record had two songs that were almost death metal. But everything else was metalcore. 

This has honestly always been my least favorite of their records. Funny, given that it's the album that put them on most people's radar.



Jeanne Sagan Picture © 2015 Razor & Tie
The Fall of Ideals Album Cover © 2006 Prosthetic Records

Hey! Where's the Album Review?!?

Alright, alright. Hold on to your butts.

This week's album review is going to be delayed. In fact for the foreseeable future I may roll them out on a different day. 

You see not even ten minutes after I wrapped up Thursday's post on Donald Trump I got a text from my boss saying "Hey bro, are you coming to work today?" 

"You'd be a lot less fired if you did."

I had been scheduled to work for the next four days but despite the fact that I've received what's fundamentally the same email tons of times with no problem, Gmail decided to flag my work schedule as spam. Fuck my job, eh?

A.I. ain't taking over shit.

So now, I'm working til Sunday afternoon. The review will be out on Monday at the latest. I'm not happy about it either chief but the house I'm crashing in has no internet.



Dazed and Confused Distributed by Gramercy Pictures
Robot Falling Picture © 2015 CBS Interactive
Technical Difficulties Picture © 2012 MrSenthil254 on YouTube

Why I Don't Bash Trump

Before we start this off, I'm not a Trump supporter. I've just seen a massive influx of memes painting Trump supporters as evil.

Confusing specimen? Yes.  Stupid? Only sometimes. 

Evil? Far from it.

And boy, I'm starting to realize that there's folks that HATE him. I know folks that hate him so much, he could pay for their heart surgery and they'd try to have another heart attack. And I wish I was joking. That kind of hatred is unhealthy. These kinds of folks want to know why I'm 'soft on Trump.' Here is my response.

For one, I don't really bash anyone, unless it's for laughs or I feel like that person is evil. I don't feel like Trump is evil. I think he may be incompetent or at least pretending to be incompetent.

Come on, no one acts like this.

Could you even imagine doing this?

One big reason I don't bash Trump? There are enough people bashing Trump. If words could kill, half the country would be going to jail for assassinating the President. You turn on the radio, someone is talking shit about Trump. You turn on the TV, someone is bashing Trump. There's folks bashing Trump in magazines, movies, barbershops, and grocery stores. We have enough people on the "Fuck Trump" train. It's almost a cliche to hate Trump at this point. And I don't jump on bandwagons.

Also, I'm not doing Trevor Noah's job for free! I'm not a slave.

I don't like unnecessary talk about politics. I participate in activism. And when I do, I'm usually busy all day. I don't want to go home after that and keep talking about politics. I'm doing my part to change the country. Bashing the President is not part of that job. And contrary to what Trevor Noah and Bill O'Reilly would have you believe; it doesn't change anything.

Pictured: Bill O'Reilly finding out he has been elected the new President after his hit-piece on Obama got his whole cabinet arrested.

Also, the easiest way to start a disagreement is to bring up politics or religion. I've already been in way too many arguments in my life and I'm not looking to start more. I'm a 'get it off your chest and then get out of the way' kind of guy.

Lastly and most importantly, I don't have the time. I don't know Trump. Trump doesn't know me. I'm a twenty-year-old who's trying to get rich. I don't have the time to be sitting around talking shit about a guy who not only doesn't even know me but probably wouldn't care if he did.  At the end of the day, fuck Trump. 

Bill O'Reilly Picture © 2016 CBS News
The Daily Show © 2019 Comedy Central
Trump Rally © 2020 The New York Times Company
Trump Shoving GIF © 2017 NATO