The ABC's of Reviewing Week 20 - Allegaeon [EP]

I wanted to surprise y'all with a gift for labor day but I realized something. I'm fucking tired of reviewing All That Remains. I never thought that I'd ever say that. I try to be honest in my reviews. Which works really well if I'm reviewing a band I've never heard before or a shitty band. But when I have a band that I really like (such as All That Remains) there's only so many ways and times that I can say "The riffing is amazing!", or "Everything is on point, here.", before I sound like a broken record. I guess I found out that in this case there really can be too much of a good thing. 

So instead of reviewing my favorite band, I'm reviewing one of my favorite records. - Allegaeon's self-titled EP.

Flawless logic I know.  But, this EP only has four songs, so I can't

 possibly repeat myself that much this time.

I discovered this band because of their dopeass album art. I was Googling for something and the cover of this EP popped up, so I downloaded it on my phone. 

I mean, look at that shit. That's some next-level artwork. 

And then one day I was looking for some new music to listen to so I pulled up the record. And after I heard 'Nex of Terra.' I immediately bought the EP. 

And I know I've complained about tech-death being stupid. But let me clarify. There's a right and wrong way to tech-death. When you're so focused on being complex and unique that the music sounds weird and unlistenable, you're doing it wrong. (Brain Drill playing so goddamn fast all you hear is screaming and guitar notes comes to mind.) But when you're just good as fuck at your instrument and you want to show it off by making complexly structured music, but you make sure it sounds good. You're doing it right. (Revocation definitely comes to mind. I wish they were on my review list.) 

Allegaeon is on the right half of the tech-death spectrum. I know goddamn well I won't be doing any covers of their songs unless I get GOOD.

Let's put on our listening machines -

The Weeds Will Prosper

© Metal Blade Records

I'm not the biggest fan of this song in particular but that's where I take into account how unique this band sounds. I don't know too many vocalists that sound like Ezra Haynes. He has that nasty, 90s Melodeath-esque snarl, but he enunciates perfectly. The fact that you can actually understand him, makes him seem like that much more of a monster in my book. 

Imagine if you were watching Friday the 13th and Jason started speaking in clear English. That motherfucker would be way scarier.

"Oh, yeah, I'm still going to silently kill you.
Just felt like chatting for a sec."

Yeah, I hear all that insane riffing and drumming. Yeah it's insane. Yeah, I take my hat off. But its nowhere near as good as the next track -

Nex of Terra

Oh, boy. I've got so much to say about this one. Firstly 'Nex of Terra' is a cool Latin way of saying  'Death of the Earth.' And the lyrics are a cool way of saying that we're all carelessly destroying the earth and it's inevitably going to kill everybody. And it sounds badass. We're wrecking the fuck out of the planet and it's fucking awesome. Which it honestly shouldn't be. And I'm guessing that's exactly the point of this song. Polluting the earth is so awesome, it's a national pastime that you can write a dopeass metal song about. It doesn't help that the rhyme pattern makes it sound like Ezra is rapping. And the juxtaposition is how fucked up that fact is. 

And I told y'all NO ONE sounds like Ezra Haynes. Every time he shrieks "FIIIIIIRRRREEE" you can just picture the world engulfed in flames. The badass intro riff that gets repeated at the end of the song makes this song feel like a warning wrapped up in one heavy-hitting, metal-ass, book of prophesy. 

Preaching the Machine

Pretty decent intro riff on this song. I feel like I could actually play it. This is an okay track. Definitely the weakest off of the EP. I don't know what Ezra actually needs because I can't understand the chorus of the song. It sounds like he's either saying, "ALL I NEED IS MY FOOT!", or "ALL I NEED IS MY BUTT!" Which is hilarious either way. 

Cower Before Me

Boy, what the fuck was going during those first few seconds? That was like a death metal marching band. It sounded like there were eighteen people playing. 

And this song exudes Hatebreed levels of "I'll fuck you up if you cross me." energy. You know how you can listen to a song and know the exact moment a circle pit would open up? This is one of those songs. This song would have fists flying and arms windmilling. Even the security would be shoving folks to the ground. 

And this one time, I'm not spoiling it for you. You click that fucking play button and listen for yourself. But you better be in an empty room. Cause if you ain't then you'll be slamming someone against something. This is fucking war music!

Final Verdict / So What's Next?

Y'all know I don't like to give my opinion in the first review of the series. But if I have to sum up this album and Allegaeon in one word - "Fun." It's fun to listen to Allegaeon, and their music videos will have you on the floor laughing (sometimes unintentionally.) I discovered this band during my senior year of highschool, so listening to them gives me nostalgia. I know y'all probably don't care but I used to create apps and I remember that  I would almost exclusively listen to Allegaeon whenever I was working. Listening to this band again has put me into a creative mood.

Speaking of creative moods, I know you guys are wondering if I'm going to come back. It's been two months since I was regularly posting. And the one thing that always amazes me, is that no matter how long I'm gone, there's always someone reading. Hell, I do this for fun, but I like to think that the three views on every post are diehard readers. And to those three readers, I say "I won't be back just yet." And I know I've still got to wrap up the All That Remains series. But don't worry, the later albums are kind of shitty, so it should be a little more fun to read these next few reviews,

But until then, I say "Auf wiederschein."

Or something. I don't know; I don't speak German.

Allegaeon Album Cover © 2008 Allegaeon

Confused Man © 2015 Easy Online Dating

Jason Voorhess Picture © 1988 Paramount Pictures

Sam Eliot GIF © 1998 Universal Pictures