Quo Vadis' Dead Man's Diary is Unintentionally Hilarious

Dude, melodic death metal will always have a special place in my heart. Especially melodic death metal that tells a story. So Quo Vadis' Dead Man's Diary has been one of my favorite songs since I first heard it. I love everything about it. I like that there's musical interludes for the feeling or apparition or rage that the protagonist feels whenever he touches the diary. I like the piano in that final interlude. I like the way everything is mixed, from the drum fills to the bass. This song is just musical perfection. Except for one thing.

The fucking lyrics.

Don't get me wrong, they're almost perfect too. They're atmospheric. The spoken whispering in the beginning perfectly incapsulates that feeling of a waking nightmare. Which is the point of the song. It's the tale of a curious man exploring a room and picking up an ancient book hoping that it holds forbidden knowledge. But all the while he knows that he feels something deeply wrong about it. It feels like the very book and the very room itself is threatening him to leave or something fucking terrible is going to happen. A nasty stench is filling the room. But of course the protagonist carries on an picks up the book. 

It's a black and white photo book / diary that contains a murder confession. And all the while the protagonist feels like the room, the wind, the very environment is threatening to murder him. But he keeps reading on. And then the fucking pages start flipping by themselves. 

I feel like this is the point where most of us would've went "Oh, shit this isn't my house.", and fake stumbled back out the door.

And then something begins to ink the last page of the diary with the current date, the protagonist's name and his cause of death. And instead of high-tailing it out of there, the guy closes his eyes in terror, looks up and sees a ghost.  And the ghost shoots him. Or at least that's the last thing he threatens to do before the song ends. You see the song leaves a lot of shit (which shouldn't be) open to interpretation. Apparently the ghost has the same face as the protagonist. The ghost, or apparition also repeatedly threatens to crucify and burn the protagonist alive. But not in this last stanza. In this last stanza, the not so disembodied voice says that he's going to "ram a bullet through his head." Hold on for a second here. The ghost went from threats of boiling him alive and nailing him to a piece of wood to just straight up shooting him. Can ghosts even do that? What? And it really, really does not help that this is the second to last line of the song, and the only thing that the ghost (or rage, or feeling) says differently when he actually appears. 

I'll help you to visualize this. The first threat is this -I'll hunt you down and punish your life, I'll nail you to the beams of red, I'll watch you bleed and beg for mercy. I'll savor the moment when our eyes will meet."

I couldn't even find an image that wasn't too X-Rated to post here...

The second threat is this - I'll hunt you down and punish your life, I'll nail you to the beams of red,

I'll burn your flesh, you will be covered with sores, I'll feel your pain as you scream for mercy.

And the last threat (and the last stanza of the song, I might add) is this -I'll hunt you down and punish your life, I'll nail you to the beams of red, I'll ram a bullet right through your head, I'll put an end to the misery.

Which y'know kinda implies that this ghost just appeared and headshotted this motherfucker. 

Wait a second. Just wait. 

Is this song about a man shooting himself because he felt guilty about murders he's committed? And the diary is his own diary and he's reading his own words? Does the presence share his face, because there is no apparition, and the threat is himself? Or is it sincerely about an unassuming man being killed by an evil spirit that inscribes his name in a diary? Is the horror in the fact that the song leaves it ambiguous? 

It's almost certainly the former upon going back and listening. This song isn't funny at all. This is fucking genius. 

But a short aside here. These guys are a perfect example that if you have a favorite band or group, you need to go see or hit up them fuckers while you can. No matter how good you are, the music industry can swallow you whole and spit you out. No one has heard from any of these fuckers since 2013. All you Deathcore fans, go see your boys, go to signings, and go to meet-and-greets and AMA's. In my research I've seen so many examples of uber-talented musicians just straight-up fucking disappearing after their careers fell apart. And this industry will leave you jaded as fuck,  not wanting to ever pick up your instrument again. I've barely written since I got into that publishing dispute last year. It took something out of me. I'm just a kid with a blog in the middle of nowhere. I can't fight any company. It's disheartening. So show your favorite musicians love and support on principle. If you ever cross over, the business side of this shit is not fun at fucking all, and is the biggest reason you see people with immense talent go back to working at Wal-Mart. I did a week of suit and tie shit and I'm done with them until I have enough money and time to get a lawyer.  

Never have I ever before found the true meaning of something because I was making fun of it. Maybe I should do this shit more often. I'mma start shitting on quantum mechanics so I can understand that shit more...

Do you idiots actually think that the next step in computing is applying abstract concepts of physics and science that most people don't even understand? You really think an open air system would be able to respond to stimuli being - It's actually fucking working, uh-oh.

   

Obviously this post is a bust, but I think I've just proved what a bunch of folks have already said over and over again. Humor is just the truth told in a quicker way...