If I Could Turn Time Back the Chameleon Wouldn't Attack

What's up?

I'm sitting out here in the usual place listening to "I Will Return" by the Black Dahlia Murder. Good song that is. Whenever I'm somewhere and I have to step out, I think of the intro to this song.  The song is dope as fuck. It's about how all the one-percenters are going to preserve themselves in artificial bodies so they can return in the coming centuries and rule forever.

Cool concept for a Sci-Fi - Horror movie. A bit too deep for a melodeath song. Still sounds badass though.

© Metal Blade Records

Anyway I'm sitting out here in 29° weather that feels warmer than the 51° weather we had yesterday. I'm starting to think if Ray Charles were around today our state song would be called "Georgia You're On My Mind, But I'm Crashing at Cali's Till You Get Your Shit Together."

Anyway, I been thinking about some be stuff. I've been fighting a big Chameleon.

Not that kind of Chameleon....

©  Shutterstock

Not him either...

© Marvel Entertainment

 Yesterday, I was thinking about how confident, how chill and how laid back I can be in some environments. And then I contrasted that with the way I am in most of my classes and on campus. Jumpy, scared, and anxious. It's almost like I'm two different people. The fucked up part is that I'm not. I'm constantly putting on a face that's causing me all kinds of internal pain. 

Well to be honest, I kind of am fighting this guy.

© Marvel Entertainment

But for what?

In the name of acceptance? In the name of fitting in? 

You know something? I got so anxious editing this blog yesterday that I closed my laptop and never came back to it. At some point I have to ask myself for whose advantage is this?

And at some point you have to listen to the album that gave me the idea to word that the way I did...

© Warner Music Group

What is all of this for? All of this suffering? All of this anxiety that leads me nowhere but into a mental rut? All of little performances I put on for no one.?

I sure as hell don't benefit from it.

It's like there's a door between who I want to be and who I am but whenever I try to open the door everyone's eyes turn and stare at me. Except no one is really looking at me and I'm just being paranoid.

Despite all of this shame and guilt. I'll keep moving. It feels like someone gut-punched my emotions but what choice do I have? It's not like I can go backward.

Believe me, I would if I could...

Sorry about that. Sometimes, things will be a little deeper.

Peace the fuck out.